The Ice Queen Phenomenon

Here’s another long post from me! Guess I have a lot to say about this. I thought of making it a two-parter, but why make you wait for the conclusion?? I trust you can make it through just fine. Here we go...

So, I recently have been following a heated comment thread here.
Check it out if you like, but here my summary: the men say they are reluctant to approach women because they have concluded that all women are either "Ice Queens," or "harpies circling Mr. Unattainable"?!

I would like to address the Ice Queen phenomenon, as I understand it.
My definition of an Ice Queen is a woman who gives the impression of being unfriendly and unreceptive to a man approaching her.

Here are my credentials: I've totally been guilty of being the Ice Queen myself, especially in my younger years. I've never been afraid of stubbornly deflecting anyone I felt uneasy about. Then again, at that time I was painfully shy and unhealthily afraid of pretty much everyone. *sigh*

It wasn't that I disliked people. Rather, I lived under the belief that everyone automatically disliked me, for some reason I was blind to. You could easily say I had an inferiority complex. I really wanted to be friends with people, but my biggest fear was of being an annoyance to anyone, so I tried to stay out of everyone's way, would never voice an opposing opinion, and kept from doing anything that might draw attention. My "reasoning" was that people who actually wanted to be friends would naturally make the first move to get to know me. (Although if anyone ever actually did, I was usually suspicious of their motives until I knew enough about them to trust them! Brilliant, right?)

So thus, I had a very difficult time making friends, and was never taught how to act around boys or how to attract any positive attention. Or any attention at all.

Girls, if you’re thinking "that's totally me right now!" ...know that it will do a VERY good job of keeping you out of trouble with boys. ...Aaannnnd that's about all it's good for. It does not help you become a well-adjusted human being, or help you form deep, meaningful friendships, or do well in job interviews, et cetera. It's hard to get out of, but with a lot of willpower, time, practice, surrounding yourself with good people and learning to experience true freedom in Christ, you don't have to be trapped in your head like that anymore. You have to really want to change. But it’s possible. (Exhibit A, right here! Let’s talk!)

I don't share these things about myself to ask for sympathy (empathy? pity?) but to hopefully put words to what others are experiencing and therefore expose to the light what happens in the darkness of many minds. And for this post, to shed some light on the Ice Queen phenomenon, because I've been there, and I know I am still very capable of it.

I understand there are many other different ways the Ice Queen can manifest herself. But I think most men have a poor understanding of what this woman is actually thinking.

Guys, the Ice Queen phenomenon is a self-defense tactic. Assuming the woman in question is single, here are some common situations. We either:

• A) rightfully think you’re a creeper, or see something glaringly obvious that is sending up red flags, so we intentionally keep our distance. This category generally is reserved for those of you who proudly identify yourselves as “playas,” or otherwise lead a lifestyle that is contrary to our morals and values. Or that could land you in prison. ...Or, we...
• B) wrongfully think you're a creeper - at which point (after re-evaluating how you come across to others) you may have to get creative to prove us wrong, because we love a good legitimate pursuit!! ...or...
• C) You're likely a fantastic guy deep down but we can't see it because something in your behavior is awkward, annoying, pushy, unhygienic, or comes across in some other unpleasant manner that is standing in the way, and we can't bring ourselves to speak so bluntly to you... so we resort to avoidance. If you're getting this vibe a lot, you miiiiight want to ask some wise person (of the same gender) to be painfully honest to help you figure out what you need to fix. If you can identify yourself as this type of guy, please learn some social skills. I don’t say that to be mean - I say it as someone who's been there, to challenge you to observe how other people interact and compare it to your own interactions, read up on personality types, take psychology or communication classes, and/or read helpful articles online such as this: (Don't Be That Guy), along with all the others on this fantastic website called the Art of Manliness! ...oooorrrr...
• D) we're having a bad day. Now here is a challenging opportunity for you! Most of us women love venting, although we probably need to be convinced that you care enough to listen, and that you aren’t guy “A” or “C” in this list. If you approach carefully, and can exercise the art of drawing us out without pushing for more than we feel comfortable sharing, this can result in a win-win situation! ...OR...
• E) we're actually very interested, but don't want to appear too "forward" (perish the thought he might think I’m interested even though I am! *gasp*) so we err on the side of acting cold... ugh... (guess who's been guilty of that?) (yeah that'd be me.) ...or...
• F) we're just clueless, and we're so used to being on the defensive that we just default to unwittingly acting icy around all men. We honestly think our behavior is normal and expected of us. We're sorry!! ...OOOORRRRR...
• G) it really might be you making things up in your perception of a woman’s behavior. Perhaps you are just clueless yourself. She’s probably agonizing herself right now, wondering why you won’t ask her out, despite her trying to coyly get your attention for months!

So, looking at this bulleted list mathematically, if you think you're facing an Ice Queen, you still have a 78.6% chance in your favor (I counted point C as half) that she might warm up a little to you if you approach carefully and don't get scared away. How's that for scientific reasoning?!

Okay, okay, so these aren't the only reasons a woman would act cold toward a man. Everyone has their own things in life they need to take into account. I just wanted to make known some possible reasons for girls acting icy around guys, and to encourage you guys to not let yourselves be dismissed so quickly by such a woman! :)

Disclaimer - The key is to be observant of the subtle signals she is sending. I recommend you stick around long enough to ask a few questions, bring up a subject of interest you might have in common, get a few sentences out of her. She might just be shy, and would really like you to pry a little bit. In which case, by all means stay and keep talking, and ask questions to draw her out! But if she still seems like she’s trying to end the conversation after everything you say, politely make a clean break, and leave her alone. This could be a sign that you might be “Guy C” from the list above (especially if you observe you seem to be the only guy getting the ice, and she is not acting cold at all toward other guys). Or it could be that she just has issues. Or maybe she is already taken and doesn’t want people to see her without her significant other, talking to someone as devastatingly handsome as you.

And now for an inspirational quote from everyone’s favorite relationship advisor, Hitch! (Full of sweeping generalizations, but still makes some excellent points!):

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, ‘I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" ... It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. ... Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

The 70's Are Over!

A few hours ago, some of us Andalasians were talking about how we enjoy being sappy and sentimental... but we've been very conflicted throughout our lives about letting that show. And I have the sneaking suspicion that it's not limited to the ladies in this house. I think a lot of women are feeling the same way. We figured it has something to with wanting to appear capable - Proving that our heads aren't always in the clouds, or that our thoughts aren't easily swayed by fleeting emotions. Because that would make us less credible.

We've been raised to believe that we can do anything the boys can do. We hear that we need to get higher degrees, and succeed in competitive careers! Join the army! Become President of the United States! Toughen yourself up, and take it like a man! While you're at it, wear the pants in your relationship, IF you're weak enough to need a man! Heaven forbid you "waste your life" keeping a home, supporting a husband, and raising children!

Darn feminist movement. The 70's are over, people!

Sorry. Tangent.

So basically, culture has been telling us all our lives that we need to shut down the emotional side of our brains in order to be more rational, reasonable, intellectual, and capable, and therefore more competitive and successful. Because it is what we women "must do" these days. It's expected of us.

I've spent most of my life doing a frighteningly good job of internalizing everything I felt. Only in the past several months (my roommates have testified to this) have I really been coming to grips with the idea that trying to hide my emotional side is pretty silly. I don't have to suppress it in order to be an intelligent being. I don't have to be any less "capable" in order to acknowledge my emotions. God gave them to me - they are valuable, and I should embrace them. God himself is an emotional being. Just look - He weeps and rejoices all over the Bible! And He is Love! He cares for the littlest sparrow - you can't even imagine how much more He cares for you, a being made in His image!

And He gave women such an extreme capacity for emotion that was created to complement men! It really is a shame we're compelled to stifle it. Let's stop trying to, shall we, ladies? I can say from experience that life is so much more fulfilling when you take time to fully experience and appreciate the beauty in life. Doing so will not make you any less capable. You don't have to prove anything. :)




On that note, future husband of mine somewhere out there, let it be known that I won't fight you for the sake of proving my capability in most cases... EXCEPT when it comes to hooking up the DVD player to the tv and speakers. I take great joy in connecting audio/visual equipment, and I can do it just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch! he he he...





"If you live wide-eyed in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. Keep your eyes open, your lamp burning, so you don't get musty and murky. Keep your life as well-lighted as your best-lighted room."
- from Luke chapter 11

Embracing the Inner Disney Princess

For my birthday a few weeks ago, I was given not one, but two cards with Disney princesses on them. Both of them played music. I am a 20-something-year-old gal, mind you. Granted, one was picked out by my four-year-old niece who is obsessed with all things Disney princesses, but the other was from my 100% Italian, 5’1, 87-yr.-old Nana. Of course, it was carnation-pink with Cinderella in her blue ball gown flanked on either side by a flippered Ariel and graceful Sleeping Beauty donning a golden crown and off-the-shoulder, pink dress. “For the Birthday Princess” it read in white lettering across the top, my name written in pen below with an arrow swooping down and pointing to Cinderella’s clavicle. Sure, I’ll settle for Cinderella. Ariel was whiny and spoiled, Sleeping Beauty was dim-witted and naive, and let’s face it, unconscious for a good portion of the movie. Cinderella put up with a lot of crap! She’s by far the most realistic. She was down-to-earth, content and humble despite her circumstances and she didn’t throw pity-parties about how her prince hadn’t come yet, nor did she think said prince would solve all her problems. It’s not that she didn’t wish things were different. She was optimistic, but also realistic.

I’ve often wondered what the draw is to these princesses as they often only reinforce unrealistic expectations about beauty, love, marriage, and so many other things. “Every girl can beeee a princess!! Any dream can beeeee!!” the card from my Nana wistfully sang. I guess I must be an odd duck in the sense that I never went through the typical girly princess phase. Although my room growing up did have matching Pepto Bismol pink curtains and bedspread, and pink was hands-down my favorite color in Kindergarten, not much else materialized in that realm. For the most part, I was never one to host tea parties for my Care Bears, nor did I ever want traditional dolls or long to twirl around in poofy skirts just for fun (the exception being when I would get to wear awesome, poofy skirts for dance costumes or dress up in my sister’s old ballet dresses). As far as Disney movies went, my favorites have always been non-princess movies (Pinocchio and Lady and the Tramp). Go figure. In reflecting upon my childhood, I’ve often wondered if my parents’ divorce when I was five had anything to do with the silencing of my inner Snow White. I mean, five-years-old is prime princess phase time. I’ve always had a great, close relationship with my dad, but sometimes I wonder if something subliminal happened at that point. It doesn’t really make sense for a little girl to dream of a prince on a white horse coming to whisk her away in a pretty dress and make everything better when the reality of marriage not always ending in “happily ever after” is staring at her cold in the face.

On the tangent of princesses, I have often seen this sentiment of girly perfection carried over into expectations of Christian women. Just pick up any book on relationships, understanding women (yes, some people attempt such risky endeavors), or look on the nightstand of most female freshman at Northwestern, and you’ll find plenty of kindling on the matter. Yes, men and women are definitely wired differently which is a gift and something I’m thankful for, but I don’t think we should pigeon-hole ourselves into these neat, little categories of “warrior man” and “princess woman”, and I think God’s a bit more creative than that. I mean, it’s ridiculous to expect every man to love deer hunting, American football and fixing cars, but why is it expected that all little girls are the same? I remember reading Captivating a few years back, and it had a lot of truth in it and a lot that I could relate to. At the same time, I look around me, and so often there’s this unspoken impression that I have to be this 1950’s housewife who wants seven children and does all the “right” Christian, womanly duties to be considered Godly.

Let me just add here that I do acknowledge the generalizations made in such books as Wild at Heart and Captivating. Men, regardless of interests or pastimes, do enjoy a good adventure and pursuit and women do have an inward wiring for romance and being pursued. I’m just saying that how that will be expressed from man-to-man or woman-to-woman will vary.

With that said, I’m not a 21st-century Betty Crocker. I don’t particularly like cooking, nor do I find emotional satiety in baking. I hated sewing class in 8th grade. I wear skirts and dresses only when mandated (weddings and the like) although that is slowly changing. I recently wore a skirt every day for a week, and I’ll admit that I was a little sad when I wore jeans again. I’m definitely not a tomboy, though. I grew up loving My Little Ponies and Rainbow Brite, and I took dance classes (including ballet) for 10 years. I am terrified of creepy-crawly bugs, I own a jewelry box along with soft purple sweaters, and I do enjoy an occasional chick-flick surrounded by my close friends and good chocolate.

So here’s where I wonder (rhetorically)...Do I have to fit some unattainable, cookie-cutter, model of what it means to be a Christian woman? Am I supposed to embrace this “inner Disney princess” that I’m pretty sure has gone on a 20-year wild goose chase? Do I have to be so sweet 24/7 that I ooze pixie sticks out my pores? Does hospitality have to be my highest score on a spiritual gifts inventory test? Despite the fact that I’m wired pretty strongly as a reflective and reserved introvert, sometimes I ponder if you’ll still consider me lovely and beautiful if I’m witty and sarcastic at times or if you’ll think me unladylike if I jump up and down and yell at the screen like a maniac when the Vikings are on. Will you think I’m a weirdo if I insert random, Russian words into everyday conversation? I say I ask these things rhetorically because I know deep down that it’s ridiculous to think I have to compromise who I am or be someone I’m not to be accepted by others. After all, haven’t we been spoon-fed this stuff from Mr. Rogers since we were pre-schoolers?

In closing, (I know, you’re asking “IS there an end to this post?) I once read a piece of flair on a friend’s Facebook page that said, “All I want is a guy who knows my flaws and struggles that come with loving me and still thinks I’m worth the trouble!” I think a lot of women would agree with this, and I’d expect a lot of guys would say the same in what they’re looking for in a woman. Nobody wants to be put in compartmentalized boxes of expectations but to be accepted for who they are, warts and all. As I’ve heard it said, “What else do we want, each one of us, except to love and be loved?” Whoever you are, future husband, I want you to know that I have more than my fair share of quirks, flaws and struggles. I’m a work in progress, and after living with 31 people over the last seven years, I’m convinced everyone, even those who would love to don a paper mask that they have it all together, have their own issues and emotional baggage to claim. The last thing I want you to feel is that you have to be this unrealistic knight in shining armor on a white horse. Have a goofy sense of humor, embrace your inner Star Trek junkie, have a never-ending quest of finding the perfect Swedish cuisine to be shared by candlelight (as long as it’s not lutefisk). It doesn’t really matter. Let’s just be human and do this crazy thing called “life” together because living like gender textbook robots and greeting card princesses whisks all the fun out of life.

Late Bloomer

I've come to the conclusion that the reason God made me painfully shy, dorky, and socially awkward for most of my life was to protect me from boys. It worked!