The Ice Queen Phenomenon

Here’s another long post from me! Guess I have a lot to say about this. I thought of making it a two-parter, but why make you wait for the conclusion?? I trust you can make it through just fine. Here we go...

So, I recently have been following a heated comment thread here.
Check it out if you like, but here my summary: the men say they are reluctant to approach women because they have concluded that all women are either "Ice Queens," or "harpies circling Mr. Unattainable"?!

I would like to address the Ice Queen phenomenon, as I understand it.
My definition of an Ice Queen is a woman who gives the impression of being unfriendly and unreceptive to a man approaching her.

Here are my credentials: I've totally been guilty of being the Ice Queen myself, especially in my younger years. I've never been afraid of stubbornly deflecting anyone I felt uneasy about. Then again, at that time I was painfully shy and unhealthily afraid of pretty much everyone. *sigh*

It wasn't that I disliked people. Rather, I lived under the belief that everyone automatically disliked me, for some reason I was blind to. You could easily say I had an inferiority complex. I really wanted to be friends with people, but my biggest fear was of being an annoyance to anyone, so I tried to stay out of everyone's way, would never voice an opposing opinion, and kept from doing anything that might draw attention. My "reasoning" was that people who actually wanted to be friends would naturally make the first move to get to know me. (Although if anyone ever actually did, I was usually suspicious of their motives until I knew enough about them to trust them! Brilliant, right?)

So thus, I had a very difficult time making friends, and was never taught how to act around boys or how to attract any positive attention. Or any attention at all.

Girls, if you’re thinking "that's totally me right now!" ...know that it will do a VERY good job of keeping you out of trouble with boys. ...Aaannnnd that's about all it's good for. It does not help you become a well-adjusted human being, or help you form deep, meaningful friendships, or do well in job interviews, et cetera. It's hard to get out of, but with a lot of willpower, time, practice, surrounding yourself with good people and learning to experience true freedom in Christ, you don't have to be trapped in your head like that anymore. You have to really want to change. But it’s possible. (Exhibit A, right here! Let’s talk!)

I don't share these things about myself to ask for sympathy (empathy? pity?) but to hopefully put words to what others are experiencing and therefore expose to the light what happens in the darkness of many minds. And for this post, to shed some light on the Ice Queen phenomenon, because I've been there, and I know I am still very capable of it.

I understand there are many other different ways the Ice Queen can manifest herself. But I think most men have a poor understanding of what this woman is actually thinking.

Guys, the Ice Queen phenomenon is a self-defense tactic. Assuming the woman in question is single, here are some common situations. We either:

• A) rightfully think you’re a creeper, or see something glaringly obvious that is sending up red flags, so we intentionally keep our distance. This category generally is reserved for those of you who proudly identify yourselves as “playas,” or otherwise lead a lifestyle that is contrary to our morals and values. Or that could land you in prison. ...Or, we...
• B) wrongfully think you're a creeper - at which point (after re-evaluating how you come across to others) you may have to get creative to prove us wrong, because we love a good legitimate pursuit!! ...or...
• C) You're likely a fantastic guy deep down but we can't see it because something in your behavior is awkward, annoying, pushy, unhygienic, or comes across in some other unpleasant manner that is standing in the way, and we can't bring ourselves to speak so bluntly to you... so we resort to avoidance. If you're getting this vibe a lot, you miiiiight want to ask some wise person (of the same gender) to be painfully honest to help you figure out what you need to fix. If you can identify yourself as this type of guy, please learn some social skills. I don’t say that to be mean - I say it as someone who's been there, to challenge you to observe how other people interact and compare it to your own interactions, read up on personality types, take psychology or communication classes, and/or read helpful articles online such as this: (Don't Be That Guy), along with all the others on this fantastic website called the Art of Manliness! ...oooorrrr...
• D) we're having a bad day. Now here is a challenging opportunity for you! Most of us women love venting, although we probably need to be convinced that you care enough to listen, and that you aren’t guy “A” or “C” in this list. If you approach carefully, and can exercise the art of drawing us out without pushing for more than we feel comfortable sharing, this can result in a win-win situation! ...OR...
• E) we're actually very interested, but don't want to appear too "forward" (perish the thought he might think I’m interested even though I am! *gasp*) so we err on the side of acting cold... ugh... (guess who's been guilty of that?) (yeah that'd be me.) ...or...
• F) we're just clueless, and we're so used to being on the defensive that we just default to unwittingly acting icy around all men. We honestly think our behavior is normal and expected of us. We're sorry!! ...OOOORRRRR...
• G) it really might be you making things up in your perception of a woman’s behavior. Perhaps you are just clueless yourself. She’s probably agonizing herself right now, wondering why you won’t ask her out, despite her trying to coyly get your attention for months!

So, looking at this bulleted list mathematically, if you think you're facing an Ice Queen, you still have a 78.6% chance in your favor (I counted point C as half) that she might warm up a little to you if you approach carefully and don't get scared away. How's that for scientific reasoning?!

Okay, okay, so these aren't the only reasons a woman would act cold toward a man. Everyone has their own things in life they need to take into account. I just wanted to make known some possible reasons for girls acting icy around guys, and to encourage you guys to not let yourselves be dismissed so quickly by such a woman! :)

Disclaimer - The key is to be observant of the subtle signals she is sending. I recommend you stick around long enough to ask a few questions, bring up a subject of interest you might have in common, get a few sentences out of her. She might just be shy, and would really like you to pry a little bit. In which case, by all means stay and keep talking, and ask questions to draw her out! But if she still seems like she’s trying to end the conversation after everything you say, politely make a clean break, and leave her alone. This could be a sign that you might be “Guy C” from the list above (especially if you observe you seem to be the only guy getting the ice, and she is not acting cold at all toward other guys). Or it could be that she just has issues. Or maybe she is already taken and doesn’t want people to see her without her significant other, talking to someone as devastatingly handsome as you.

And now for an inspirational quote from everyone’s favorite relationship advisor, Hitch! (Full of sweeping generalizations, but still makes some excellent points!):

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, ‘I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" ... It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. ... Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Intentional Receptivity

Finally an article with good constructive advice for the single ladies waiting to be pursued!

Intentional Receptivity

...at least I think it's good advice. What do I know? I'm still single :)

Speaking of which, let's get some more feedback and discussion going in these here comment sections!

GUYS: Would you agree with the suggestions for the ladies in "Intentional Receptivity"? Anything you would add, or anything that doesn't quite sit right with you?

I'll work on a real post soon, I promise. I've got at least a dozen half-written ones lying around waiting for some love.

What Not to Do: An Assessment Upon Viewing Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

After a long hiatus of writing on here, I decided to do a light-hearted critique on this famous musical. I just saw it for the first time yesterday, and with a name like it has, isn’t it just crying to be written about on such a forum? ;-)

First of all, for those who haven’t seen it, here is a plot summary from that venerable site of all movie wisdom, www.imdb.com:

“Adam, the eldest of seven brothers, goes to town to get a wife. He convinces Milly to marry him that same day. They return to his backwoods home. Only then does she discover he has six brothers - all living in his cabin. Milly sets out to reform the uncouth siblings, who are anxious to get wives of their own. Then, after reading about the Roman capture of the Sabine women, Adam develops an inspired solution to his brothers' loneliness.”

With that said, here are my thoughts upon viewing the movie. In short, men of cyberspace, here is a simple list of 10 things to keep in mind/NEVER do when considering wooing a woman...

1. Just because you’re place is a pigsty and you can’t cook for beans doesn’t mean you need a wife. It means you need to grow up.

2. Adam Pontipee is the epitome of how NOT to view/treat women. I have no idea why Milly ever fell for him. Sheer desperation? If I met a man like him and he talked to me/treated me like that, he’d have a swollen lip and good kick in the pants in about ten seconds.

3. Don’t think you can just march into town one day and get a wife like buying chewing tobacco and wagon supplies. This isn't Oregon Trail, and if you think it is, you may have an unfortunate accident fording the river, if you catch my drift.

4. Don’t think singing “Bless Your Beautiful Hide” is gonna woo anyone over.

5. Essentially saying, “I don’t have time to get to know you, so just agree to marry me on-the-spot after knowing me five minutes,” is bad news. Oh, and then accusing a woman of being prideful if she doesn’t agree to marry you under such circumstances is asking for nothing but trouble. If this wasn’t a 1950’s musical, I doubt there would be a happy ending.

6. Note how many times Milly refers to feelings when she is trying to convince the reverend that she should marry a complete stranger. Girls, please don’t justify being with a guy because of ooshy-gooshy feelings (or just because he’s not a creep).

7. Don’t keep important information from your future wife--like how you have six, animalistic brothers who live with you and how you expect your new wife to cook, clean and pick up after them like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Catch how many times Adam refers to all the work that needs to be done around the house and then punctuates it by saying, “But now that YOU'RE here...” Gag me. There’s a monumental difference between having a wife and having a “cook, washer-woman and hired girl”(in Milly’s words).

8. Never say, “One woman’s pretty much like the next.” Especially in her presence. Gee, that sounds great. Way to make a gal feel special there, Adam.

9. Pursuing a woman is one thing. Kidnapping seven engaged women and then causing an avalanche to keep them from escaping is...not cool.

10. If you’re confronted about something you need to work on (in Adam’s case, being repeatedly extremely inconsiderate and arrogant), don’t go out into the wilderness and pout about it and then refuse to come home when you find out your wife is pregnant. What’s worse, never a) disbelieve that she had a baby or b) accuse her of having a baby as “just one of her tricks to get me to come back”. Um, I’m pretty sure it’s not all her doing that she’s pregnant, meat head. Oh, and then when you find out she had a girl, don’t be all let down about it as if you’ve been cursed. If only men knew back then that it’s them that determine the gender...

Anyway, I had a good laugh, and I appreciated the creativity in choreography (I mean, a whole musical number with axes is pretty sweet). There are good lessons in this movie is well, so don't come after me about that. This is meant to be tongue-in-cheek.

Friend Zone Myths Debunked!

Fellas, I don't know how the dreaded friend zone became such a huge concern, but for the most part, it hardly even exists.

There are a few guys who may catch our eyes right away, but they're not the ones we go home and think about, and ask our friends for advice about.

On the contrary, it's the men we've known for a while - long enough to know at least a fair amount about their character - that become long-term crushes. These are the men we trust to not take advantage of us, and who we want to protect us from those that would.

People change and grow over time, and so do their priorities and desired qualities in a mate. Guys, please don’t discount a girl you like because you think she deposited you in the “friend zone” long ago. Even if she has, if you feel strongly enough about her, you can probably persuade her to rethink how she feels about you with a bit of creative wooing.
Be encouraged - On the off-chance you unwillingly find yourself in the friend zone, know that it doesn’t have to be a permanent residence!

Disclaimer to guys: A girl may have legitimate reasons for keeping you in the friend zone, such as issues of maturity, or differing core beliefs.
On that note, a message to the ladies: Aside from those kind of non-negotiables, likewise, don’t discount a man just because you’re not initially attracted to him.

That is all.

you don't have to try, you don't have to change, baby you stay just the same.

Has anyone ever had something you really wanted to say about a topic, but couldn't figure out how to put words to it? I've had a nagging at me for a long time about something, and up until recently I couldn't ever describe it. Not until I was reading a book the other night with my lovely housemates and BAM. Finally. Someone with a brain and a half said what I had been feeling. So here it is, on the topic of dating.


"...Now, part of the problem is the creepiness of the dating practices in our western culture. Honestly, most dating is only half a step up from used-car salesmanship. Stay with me here. To put it bluntly but accurately, the idea in western culture dating is to sell yourself. The last thing you want is for the other person to really get to know you. Consequently, a man who doesn't like to shop will suddenly be saying things like, "Sure, honey, I would love to go to another twelve stores to look for those special shoes you have in mind." A woman who doesn't appreciate sports will find herself volunteering to watch sports with her date and his buddies for hour upon endless, grueling hour.


Having seen the other only on their best behavior, the man and woman each convince themselves that they have found a nearly perfect person. As they move toward that day when they will actually begin living together in the world's most comprehensive relationship, they do not factor into their expectations the difficulties of life in this broke-house of a world.


...The problem is that the marriage began with unrealistic expectations."


Now...there are probably several posts I could make about those couple paragraphs. So i'll try to make it brief. First off, I don't want you to ever pretend to be someone you're not just to get to me. There is a VAST difference in sharing each others interests and trying new things because the person you are with enjoys them, and pretending to like things you really don't. Do you see what I'm saying? I would like it if you would at least take a listen to my favorite bands and albums. I would like for you to show me that the things I enjoy are important to you by having a conversation with me about them. But do I expect you to like all those bands, albums, art, dorky hobbies and cleaning? Not at all. It's okay if we have different interests. I remember once having a conversation with my boss and I was concerned about a potential relationship. "But Kori, he's a marathon runner. I HATE running. It wouldn't work out right." I distinctly remember feeling like a moron after she pointed out how silly that was. "Lindsay...you know its better if you have different interests because you both bring more to the relationship, right?" The point is, take interest, but don't change who you are to be my twin. That's just creepy and misleading.


The other part that really struck a chord with me was just a word. Expectations. more specifically, unrealistic expectations. I'm not quite sure what I expect, to be honest. Do I think God will just have a perfect-lindsay-would-dig-him-right-away-and-they-instantly-fall-in-love-and-he's-gorgeous-beyond-reason mold in which he would kindly send to my front step via UPS? Of course I wouldn't admit to thinking that, but when I really think about it I probably have acted like that.


The fact of the matter is that it's important to have expectations. As long as they are the right ones, and by right ones I mean Godly, biblical, healthy ones. If I ever expect to get married, and have a happy fulfilling marriage, I had better drop the silly unnecessary expectations of perfection. If I expect a man to call me his beautiful wife every day of our lives, I had better realize he's saying that with the full knowledge of all my faults, flaws, annoyances, and quirks. And I should be so glad to have and love a handsome husband who is less than perfect as well.

Married in the Morning!

Although this scene takes in the magical land of Andalasia, this line probably won't work on any of the Andalasia Ladies... just saying.

To my Dear Future Husband,

I have been let down a lot.
I'm cautious because I don't want to get my hopes up. Again.
Please, *please*... be persistent with me.
I want to make sure it's really you.

Love,
Marlys

A recent midnight encounter.

After my roommates and I found some of these on our deck, we decided to do some research to see how we could make them live. Turns out we probably won't do anything and be masochistic fish killers. Mind you - we found these fish at midnight on our deck encased in a tall large clear tube about 5 inches in width. This large tube was a giant light that shot up spinning bubbles from the bottom. So basically we had a really awesome light with a lot of dizzy smoothie drunk fish.

What kind of fish you ask? Feeder Guppies. And this is what we learned:

"The males are absolutely horrible fish. They will chase around the females 24 hours a day. They will move from female to female and chase them around. The females will swim around in circles trying to get rid of the males. Fancy guppies do not do this as much as feeder guppies. The male feeder guppies are absolutely obsessed with the female guppies. They will even stress them out until they become weak and die from an illness. The males are also very fast and they will steal all the food as well."

The response of an unnamed roommate: "Why am I not suprised?"
I believe at that point we all said, amen.

To all of you good intentioned men, who only mean well, I'm sorry that all the cruel unthoughtful boys have cast such a horrible light on your gender. We do realize there ARE men out there who are NOT feeder guppies.