Regarding Squeaks

Dear Future Husband:

I feel that it is my obligation to warn you of the creature sometimes referred to as “Pip”. As Pip and I are inseparable it is probably best that you know some of her common behaviors and attributes.

Name: Pip

Anatomy: Pip is a very confused creature. While she has only two legs and two arms it is not entirely uncommon for her to behave as though she has four legs or even wings. While pitiable, it is probably best not to discourage these thoughts since dispelling them could only result in further confusion.

Diet and foraging behavior: Pip is a shameless beggar. She has acquired a taste for human food that particularly extends to all sorts of baked goods. Do not be ensnared by her pathetic sounds or otherwise endearing behavior. Pip is a wily and calculated creature. You can be sure that she is aiming to please in order to receive the desired item.

Reproduction: Unknown.

Behavior: in particular…

Vocalization: This is a section that deserves some special attention. Pip is a known mimic, possibly developed as a defense technique. I have included a short list of characteristic squeaks, honks, trills and all other sounds in between. Please keep in mind that this list is not extensive. I am consistently surprised by the range of noises that Pip can produce.

1. Squeaks are probably the most common noise associated with Pip. These can indicate surprise, happiness, sleepiness, and outrage. Use your best judgment to determine what she means and keep in mind that oftentimes she doesn’t need a reason to make a noise.

2. Honks are designed purely for reactionary reasons. If you do not wish to hear her honk, simply ignore her.

3. Trills indicate that Pip is very happy or pleased.

4. Occasionally Pip will make a strange smacking noise when she is being hugged. I’m fairly certain Pip stole the noise from my parent’s old cat who would make the noise when she was trying to work through a hairball. Pip does not get hairballs. She is probably trying to make you believe that she wants to eat you. This is also not true.

5. Kee-ku: This is a specialized sound that Pip makes when she is squishing curly hair. Don’t ask me why.

Finally, whatever you do, do not try to touch her nose. She has learned one English word, a distorted “no” that she will repeat as she backs into a corner. While it is comical to see her go cross-eyed and hear the resultant “bee” when you touch her nose, she may not forgive you for it.

Subspecies: I shudder to imagine any subspecies from Pip. Let us move to the next section and hope they do not exist.

In popular culture: I have taken great pains for Pip not to be exposed too much to the outside world. She is rather manipulative and if she were to appear in popular culture, I am afraid it would simply go to her head. Her motives can be considered questionable at times.

Domestication: Pip would like everyone to believe that she is domesticated. However, I would argue this is only a survival technique. Pip is a very sociable creature and if she can keep a community of people entertained, she will do so to maintain their company. However, she is also a distrustful creature and in large groups of people that she does not know she is likely to become surly and rebellious if asked to perform.

See Also: Moyer family

My sincerest apologies on the length of this post. However, do not hold me responsible if you succumb to Pip’s manipulations because you did not read this. I did try to warn you.