I wrote this a while ago and it's just been sitting here. I figured today it could still be of use to others - hopefully.
This post is going to be a little bit different. After writing and re-writing, I can't think of any other way to say this other than to make it sort of like a short journal entry. Which isn't what I wanted to do, but that's just how it needs to be I guess.
One thing I need to promise myself will always be a deal-breaker: how a guy handles messy and confusing situations. I will quickly lose trust and faith in him if he ducks and runs whenever trouble seems near. If he is too scared to admit an issue and discuss it - or heavens...FIGHT about it - I'm not so sure it will work. That's the real bummer of the problem, we can get along splendidly, you can flirt and compliment me until the sky turns purple, listen to the same music, share commonalities - but if you can't fight with me when the going gets a little tough...it was all for nothing.
I'm learning that someone can be charming, excel in their careers, and speak wonderful things, but if they're not rich in character and integrity...the rest is a just a cheap guise.
"In his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Dr. Willard Harley says that the marriages most susceptible to infidelity are those where one or both spouses fail to meet their partners' primary needs. For wives, those needs are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial commitment and family commitment. Husbands' primary needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration."
I don't know if I'm the only cynic who notices this or not, but I'm tired of the lame view of marriage and happiness our world shows us.
Marriage should be a joy. To find someone else to fuse together with and serve the Lord, that is a treasure. A treasure that should not be taken lightly, mocked, be looked down upon, or negelcted. It is a unique relationship unlike any other that takes a lot of hard work and selflessness. I guess I'm far from an expert being as I'm not married, but in my heart I know the Word gives us instruction to make a healthy loving marriage possible. If it wasn't, the Lord wouldn't have created it.
As I think all of the other Andalasians have alluded to or stated in past posts - the media and todays society has really messed with our views and interpretations of the whole guy/girl dating/marriage world. There are so many more lies and sinful twists that screw with our minds - so much so, that I think even as believers unbiblical and unrealistic expectations get intermingled with the truth. Of course I realize that just because you're a "Christian" it is NOT going to make your marriage all sparkles, bubbles and giggles. (I just had a horrifying mental image with that sentence btw... barf.) However, I do believe that the Lord has made a way so that even in this fallen world, we can have truly satisfying and joyful marriages.
A note of encouragement to the future spouses: Exodus 20:17 (the message) "No lusting after your neighbor's house - or wife or servant or maid or ox or donkey. Don't set your heart on anything that is your neighbor's." Peeps, stop checking out other peoples spouses and craving what you don't have! I don't know how much more that could spell out d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r, but whether you are single, dating, or married - it's all the same. We must learn to be fully satisfied with who and what the Lord has given us! (and yes, i did label that as encouragement, because it should be encouraging not limiting.)
A note to the wives: Proverbs 12:4 (the message) "A hearty wife invigorates her husband, but a frigid woman is cancer in the bones." Proverbs 12:4 (ESV) "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones." Proverbs 27:15-17 (ESV) "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is like restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one's right hand. Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." Proverbs 31:10-12 (ESV) "An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts inher, and he will have no lack of gain. SHe does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
Ladies, lets seek what it means to be Godly women. It will not only give you strength beyond your own ability, but it will encourage your husband to love you and help with the issue of lusting after the neighbor ladies. There will not be another close second if you give him the respect he deserves.
I could probably ramble on longer, but I fear this is longer than I had intended...
This is one of my favorite songs from the movie Mulan and I think a lot of times our views of marriage are a lot like the soldiers in this video, we focus a lot on the characteristics we are looking for in a person, their looks, their personality and the hope that we will be amazing in their eyes, but I think there is a line in this song that goes overlooked, not necessarily in the movie, but in life: What do we want? A girl worth fighting for.
Over the past few years, my views of marriage have morphed quite significantly. If you would have asked me as a sophomore in high school you would have gotten answers straight from the mouth of an antsy teenager, influenced by her boy-crazy peers and who got her "best" dating advice from the chick flicks that she saw in the theaters on the weekends, self-conscious and unaware, anxious for any boy to tell her that she was worthwhile.
If you were to ask me now, you would hear the words of someone who has actually been in a few relationships, someone who is learning self-worth outside of the view of others and more specifically, guys. Today, you would hear the words of someone who has been able to travel, go to college, work in the "real world" and witness relationships of ALL kinds. But, you would also hear the words of someone who has had to experience the sting of broken relationships, divorce and live the pain that sinful desires can bring.
I guess that is the sad reality of growing up, facing the truth about sinful nature. When my parents first separated 2.5 years ago, I could not possibly understand what God's plan was, but over the last six months or so, I have been able to step back and see that God is at work in ways that He could never have been within my parents marriage.
The separation of my parents caused me to question everything I knew about marriage and it happened at a really ironic time in my life, the summer that I was shooting wedding photography almost every weekend, surrounded by couples in the very early stages of their lifelong journey together, couples who couldn't contain the joy of being together. My mind struggled with this dichotomy, why is that we start out so happy, so in love and end up living life from day to day, fighting with each other, arguing about everything, breaking apart lives and families?
Recently it dawned on me, we need someone who is willing to fight, but not in the way that you would think.
So, what do we want? A girl worth fighting for!
The thing we miss is that we are not going to agree on everything in life, but we need to come to a place in our relationship where we are fighting with each other. We need to fight. Fight to spend time together, fight to spend time with your kids, fight to solve misunderstandings, fight to keep the love alive.
Why do we think that this will come easily, that we can just coast along in our marriages, in our relationships and that peace and joy will just fall into our laps? We forget that marriage, that making a relationship last for the long term takes hard work. We need to learn that marriage is a fight, it is a battle every single day a war against Satan who realizes that our marriages can be a great defense, someone who knows us, fights for us, prays for us, encourages and uplifts us, challenges us to be better, to be more.
What a great picture of marriage that is, a couple on the front lines of battle, watching each other backs, picking each other up when the other is down, leaving no one behind, what if we could embrace that picture, what if we could approach marriage that way? How would our generation change the statistics on marriage?
