Near Future Husbands

It's amazing what can happen in a year and a half, since we started this blog.

What started out as a half-serious joke has become a great source of discussion and encouragement!

Dear Future Husbands,

Through this blog we've come to really examine our ideas about our relationships with you: assumptions we've made that we've learned to let go of, and character qualities we've learned are essential.

Future Husbands, we love you, and we're looking forward to spending the rest of our days with you!

On behalf of Brittany, Lindsay, and Marlys:

Thanks for the bling :)

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

It’s easy on a blog like this to fall into a pattern of putting the burden on men, and pointing out negative things that we think need to be changed. With this post, I’d like to go the completely opposite direction, and hopefully encourage some guys out there by pointing out the things we really appreciate about them!

So without further adieu, here are some things we’ve noticed in our own real-life interactions with some of you guys we actually know that have helped us form some very high opinions of you!

• Holding doors - chivalry is not dead!
• Moving heavy stuff for us
• Assembling large items
• Hanging things on walls
• Repairing things in our house
• Fixing car problems
• Averting your eyes during certain scenes in movies (yeah, we notice. And we’re super impressed when we see it. See my expanded thoughts on this here.)
• Offering your sweatshirt/jacket when it's cold - we know it’s huge and we look ridiculous, but it makes us feel cared for!
• Building bonfires (I sure don't know how!)
• Offering to pray for everyone before a meal - we reeeeally like seeing this!
• Cleaning up after meals we’ve cooked! - thankyouthankyouthankyou!
• Listening to what we have to say, asking questions and being truly interested in the answer
• Complimenting us when you think we look nice - we remember, and we’re more likely to do it again! (Lindsay wrote a whole post on why this is important!)
• Including us when you get a group of friends together to do something fun or just chill
• Sticking to your own values to determine how you act, how you respond to difficult situations, what you do or do not let yourself be exposed to - When we’ve learned over time where you stand and what your boundaries are, we know we can trust you and feel and safe around you, knowing you're not going to try anything sketchy!
• Looking out for us when walking around downtown
• Escorting us to our cars when we've parked far away
• Dropping us off at the door before parking when it's cold outside - and when it's time to go home, insisting that we wait inside while you pull the car around - WOW!!!
• Dressing up nice for formal events - y’all look so sharp!
• Recalling details of things we’ve talked about, details about our likes and dislikes, remembering what our favorite things are, and things that make each of us unique
• Hugs. They make us feel small and cute!
• Dancing with us! Yay!!
• Doing/saying goofy things just to make us laugh!

GUYS: If you see yourself in some of these things - THANK YOU for being wonderful! We really appreciate knowing you and having you as friends!

Why don't we vocalise these appreciations all the time? Because it's hard! Lame excuse, I know. But I think it goes both ways, eh? ;)

GIRLS: Let's keep it going! What else do you see and appreciate about your guy friends that we can add to the list??

What to do with "singles events"?!

Hello readers,

I've recently been working on a guest post for a coworker, which she featured today on her blog. Every week she posts something on the topic of marriage for "Wedded Wednesday," and she asked me to write for it from a single person's perspective. So here it is, for the DFH readers to enjoy as well!




Several months ago, I brought about 30 of my young adult friends - a mixed crowd of guys and girls who all happen to be single - to a Feed My Starving Children event at my church. I purposely did not tell them that the volunteer slot I signed us up for was the designated “singles night.”

(Side note: It's funny to think that some of the same people are reading this now, ha... I'm only partially sorry! But you really helped make a great illustration for this blog post!)

Everyone was excited to be there together, to scoop rice and pack boxes. We entered the room and donned our hairnets. The speaker got up to the platform and said, “Welcome to Singles Night at Feed My Starving Children!” Immediately I had all eyes on me, and I heard several whispers of disbelief at my treachery - “You brought us to a SINGLES NIGHT?!”

Yep, that went just about as expected.

I can’t say I’m speaking for all my friends, but let me share with you my own thoughts:
By showing up to anything called a “singles event,” I feel super self-conscious that I am presenting myself as “on the market, desperate to get off, so that’s why I’m here, and so are you. Take me!” The label “singles event” alone screams “meat market of desperation.” At a "singles event," I am going to be hyper aware of anyone of the opposite sex who approaches me, and likewise I have the fear that any guy I strike up a conversation with is going to think I’m only approaching him because I have a particular attraction to him. Even if it’s true that I do, I don’t want to scare him off by being too forward... but if I don’t have a particular attraction to him, I don’t want to give the impression that I do! I just can’t beat the awkwardness! So I don't bother going.

Not to mention, I have an irrational but common fear that most of the people that show up to these things are smooth-talking smarmy creepers.

As much as we all want to find the right person to spend our lives with, people in my age bracket really abhor the forced interaction of "Let's put all the singles together in one room and let them loose on each other!" Rather, we are really longing for authentic community with our peers. The post-college stage of life can be rather isolated and depressing. We need a network of friends who enjoy being together and will help each other out, whether single or married. We all have things to learn from each others' experiences.

My group of friends I mentioned earlier is a rarity, in that we make a point to all meet together at least once a week and make a meal, hang out, play games, jam on our instruments, and just enjoy each others’ company. And at the heart of it all, we love the Lord. He has blessed us by bringing us into this community that others our age are so desperately needing. Anyone new to the group is instantly hooked. Many have said it’s one of the few things that keeps them sane week-to-week. Hearing such comments is both flattering and alarming. Why does my house seem to be the only place where this kind of community is happening on a regular basis?

I'd say my friends and I are all pretty well-adjusted young folk. We are intelligent, creative, active individuals with a widespread array of interests and fields of expertise. In fact, this probably describes many of the other 46% of all young adults (age 25-34) across the nation who have never been married. For the first time in recorded history, the number of never-married singles in this age bracket now exceeds the number of our peers who are married, according to US Census reports that were released about a month ago. Yet, according to numerous surveys, most of these single young adults still want to get married.

So why are we all still single? Why is this a nation-wide phenomenon? And what does that have to do with the church?

There are many contributing factors to the shrinking marriage statistics - a lot of which occur in the home and in the media - but for the sake of everyone's attention span, I will just be focusing on folks in the church here.

Throughout history, the church has played an active role in helping young men and women find their way to the altar. It was essentially a given that most people should get married, and folks in the church took it upon themselves (more or less) to make sure everyone got matched up correctly. From what I gather though, it seems that a lot of people took this to extreme measures, becoming way too nosey, gossipy, and controlling, and there has since been a huge societal backlash.

Now I fear the pendulum has swung too far the opposite way - the church community as a whole has become far too passive in the lives of young single adults. The message drilled into us, from pulpits as well as parishioners, boils down to this: “Keep waiting. Now keep waiting some more. Look how many marriages are failing; don’t marry the wrong person and become one of them. So you'd better wait even longer. Ignore your body telling you that you were biologically ready a decade ago. Don’t trust any of your feelings. Think rationally about everything, and analyze the life out of your relationships. When the magical time comes, which may well be when your hormones are dead, God will plop the right person in front of you and you won't be able to avoid marrying them, so you’d better not do anything to interfere with that process.” I exaggerate, of course. But only a little.

It’s no wonder so many people are scared to enter a relationship though. We've heard enough horror stories of marriages turning sour. Way too many have experienced it vicariously through family members. Folks, this is incredibly discouraging. What we really need to hear are the success stories! We can know in our minds that God created marriage to be a beautiful model of His love that we can tangibly experience on earth, but many of us have hardly ever seen it in action.

To the common church folk:
If you are reading this and you have been married at least a few years, and especially if you have gotten through some tough things with your spouse, I HIGHLY encourage you to invest in the lives of some single people. If you have something good to say about your marriage, we desperately need to hear it. Also, you have been through enough to see things about us that we are blind to. We need you to be our role models, mentors, coaches and networkers.

To church leaders everywhere:
Evaluate how you are presenting your views on marriage to your congregation. How much value are you giving it? Do you often talk about what marriage can be like at its best? What are you offering to the single people who come to your church? (...Or don’t they come to your church?) I encourage you to find creative ways to get all the young single people in your congregation plugged into mentorships, to break the generational silence and get some good dialogue flowing.

As far as what to do in lieu of "singles events":
I'd really like to see more churches holding regular events for ALL young adults to come together and regularly engage in community-building environments. We don't require a whole lot of structure outside of free food and some music - we just need to be around each other, without the segregation of marrieds and singles. The single people will figure out who’s taken and who’s available on their own. And our married friends can be great natural community-builders, bringing each of their friends together and introducing everyone to each other.

...with the added bonus of them acting as buffers against the creepers who escaped all the awkward singles events going on down the road.

The 70's Are Over!

A few hours ago, some of us Andalasians were talking about how we enjoy being sappy and sentimental... but we've been very conflicted throughout our lives about letting that show. And I have the sneaking suspicion that it's not limited to the ladies in this house. I think a lot of women are feeling the same way. We figured it has something to with wanting to appear capable - Proving that our heads aren't always in the clouds, or that our thoughts aren't easily swayed by fleeting emotions. Because that would make us less credible.

We've been raised to believe that we can do anything the boys can do. We hear that we need to get higher degrees, and succeed in competitive careers! Join the army! Become President of the United States! Toughen yourself up, and take it like a man! While you're at it, wear the pants in your relationship, IF you're weak enough to need a man! Heaven forbid you "waste your life" keeping a home, supporting a husband, and raising children!

Darn feminist movement. The 70's are over, people!

Sorry. Tangent.

So basically, culture has been telling us all our lives that we need to shut down the emotional side of our brains in order to be more rational, reasonable, intellectual, and capable, and therefore more competitive and successful. Because it is what we women "must do" these days. It's expected of us.

I've spent most of my life doing a frighteningly good job of internalizing everything I felt. Only in the past several months (my roommates have testified to this) have I really been coming to grips with the idea that trying to hide my emotional side is pretty silly. I don't have to suppress it in order to be an intelligent being. I don't have to be any less "capable" in order to acknowledge my emotions. God gave them to me - they are valuable, and I should embrace them. God himself is an emotional being. Just look - He weeps and rejoices all over the Bible! And He is Love! He cares for the littlest sparrow - you can't even imagine how much more He cares for you, a being made in His image!

And He gave women such an extreme capacity for emotion that was created to complement men! It really is a shame we're compelled to stifle it. Let's stop trying to, shall we, ladies? I can say from experience that life is so much more fulfilling when you take time to fully experience and appreciate the beauty in life. Doing so will not make you any less capable. You don't have to prove anything. :)




On that note, future husband of mine somewhere out there, let it be known that I won't fight you for the sake of proving my capability in most cases... EXCEPT when it comes to hooking up the DVD player to the tv and speakers. I take great joy in connecting audio/visual equipment, and I can do it just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch! he he he...





"If you live wide-eyed in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. Keep your eyes open, your lamp burning, so you don't get musty and murky. Keep your life as well-lighted as your best-lighted room."
- from Luke chapter 11

The GBS Phenomenon

GBS or Googaly Brain Syndrome is popular among women of all ages, but particularly prevalent in single women. It is the direct result of a variety of situations that are exciting, confusing or out of her control, always in association with an OIM (Obviously Interested Man).


The condition progressively reduces the effectiveness of the subjects ability to think straight. GBS is a pandemic, it has affected thousands of women all over the world.


SYMPTOMS OF GBS:

• The OIM Name Drop - This is an early sign of GBS. The OIM name drop is a sign that the subjects brain has been infiltrated by the OIM. Spotting this early might help in controlling the effects of GBS.
  
• Uncontrollable Smiling & Giggling - In many cases the subject is unable to control their smiling reflexes, any hint of the OIM and the subject will smile without reason for an extended period of time. The subject might also be prone to frequent fits of giggling, this could be sparked by almost anything that reminds them of the OIM.
  
• Communication Attachment - You might find that the subject of GBS is very attached to their cell phone or computer, this is because they are hoping to receive communication from the OIM. A popular display of communication attachment is seen in the Text and Smile - where communication attachment and the uncontrollable smiling are combined together.
  
• The Fetal Position or Buried Head - You might notice that when the subject is confronted on the matter of the OIM, a popular response might be to curl up in a ball or bury their head into something, like a pillow, although this response has little to no effect on the GBS, it does tend to comfort the subject.

CAUSES OF GBS:

• OIM (Obviously Interested Man)- OIM are the primary cause of GBS, the signs of OIM include but are not limited to: Frequent visits, excessively calling, gift giving, copious flattery, offering to drive, offering to cook, going out of his way to see you, volunteering to watch chick flicks, extended eye contact, back rubs, cuddling, hand-holding, and in very rare cases kissing.
  
• AGM (Amy Grant Man)- Called the AGM because like the 1988 Amy Grant Album, they tend to "Lead Me On". AGM are particularly dangerous because they will often exhibit many of the signs shown by OIM without being actually interested in the subject. Problems arise when the subject suffers from GBS while the subject is interacting with the AGM. The results usually end in disappointment, over-analyzation and ultimately broken heart.

KNOWN CURES FOR GBS:

• Teasing - Teasing is best when exhibited from the close friends and family of the subject. Teasing will result in uncontrollable smiling, the fetal position and buried head. Beware of overuse of teasing as it may cause the subject's GBS to become more severe.
  
• DTR (Define the Relationship)- Defining the relationship is best when executed by the OIM. This helps maintain the normal patterns of pursuit. The Define the Relationship talk usually results in the mutual tellings of feelings. This is a cure for GBS because the subject no longer has to live in confusion about the meaning of all the signs of the OIM, but now knows from the source that her suspicions are correct.

SUMMARY:
Not all women suffer from GBS to same severity. Please check with a doctor before using any real medications in association with GBS.


Women suffering from GBS should consult with a trusted friend or confidant who can help verify the existence of a OIM versus an AGM.

Married in the Morning!

Although this scene takes in the magical land of Andalasia, this line probably won't work on any of the Andalasia Ladies... just saying.

STEPS FOR MAKING A DECISION (particularly in reference to relationships):

1. Figure out what you're deciding between. Take inventory of your options.

2. Pray about it. Be genuine here. It's all well and good to say "Your will be done, Lord," but don't just leave it at that. There should be some conversation too. Vent to your Father. Tell him everything running through your mind, and talk about what you're hung up on. He knows your thoughts, but he wants to hear you say them. ...This trait of God he also instilled in women ;-)

3. Seek wise counsel. Talk to some folks you really trust with outside perspectives. Talk to men who have been married for a long time. Then re-evaluate your options.

4. Consider your gut feeling. It's usually right. Could be the prompting of the Holy Spirit! Repeat Step #2 to make sure...!

5. Make the best choice based on the information you have. Put it into action!



...We find it very attractive when you confidently make a decision and do something about it :)

What DO Women Want?

Guest post from honorary Andalasia Lady: Caitlin

Dear Future Husbands of the Andalasia Ladies:

We ain't gettin' any younger, ya know.

Why It Sucks To Be A Girl

Regarding the Most Pertinent Factor

So there has been quite a bit posted on our little blog site. It all has been witty, fun, and very interesting to read but above all it is important to keep perspective of the most pertinent factor. Thus...


Dear Future Husband,
Please don't show up before you are supposed to. 
    yours,
          Sue

Seriously.

Dear Future Husbands of the Andalasia Ladies -


Where the heck are you?!


Over the last 2.083 years I have lived with 14 of the most amazing women I have ever met and only 2 of them are married now.


Now don't get me wrong, I have fully appreciated every moment with all of them and I don't wish for you to whisk them on your white knight horse just yet.


But seriously, what are you people thinking, Andalasia is a gold mine of women.. and if you aren't going to do anything about that, please invite some of your friends over.


Sincerely,
The Andalasian Correspondent

"A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop

(The language and imagery may be archaic, but the thoughts behind it are rooted in timeless truth)

"A Woman's Question"
by Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life -
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

Honey Please.

Instructions if you like a girl:

Step A- Think it through. (make sure there is some validity to your fascination).
Step B- Tell her.

--OR--

Step B- Pursue her so clearly that neither her, nor any of her friends would have any doubt about the way you feel about her.

Lets cut out the confusing riff raff and get to the point.
There are enough confusing things in life, like math. and rhubarb wine...
We don't want no scrubs added to the list of perplexities.

This site is for you.

To our future husbands,

We, the ladies of Andalasia, have often wondered who you will be.  As we have gone about our daily lives of working, living with lots of other girls, cooking, cleaning, etc, we have begun to discover some of the things that make us happy, sad, angry, joyful, upset and so on.

So, we have decided to make your lives a little bit easier by documenting these findings for you to reference as the information becomes valuable to you.

Hope it helps!

The Andalasia Ladies