The Ice Queen Phenomenon

Here’s another long post from me! Guess I have a lot to say about this. I thought of making it a two-parter, but why make you wait for the conclusion?? I trust you can make it through just fine. Here we go...

So, I recently have been following a heated comment thread here.
Check it out if you like, but here my summary: the men say they are reluctant to approach women because they have concluded that all women are either "Ice Queens," or "harpies circling Mr. Unattainable"?!

I would like to address the Ice Queen phenomenon, as I understand it.
My definition of an Ice Queen is a woman who gives the impression of being unfriendly and unreceptive to a man approaching her.

Here are my credentials: I've totally been guilty of being the Ice Queen myself, especially in my younger years. I've never been afraid of stubbornly deflecting anyone I felt uneasy about. Then again, at that time I was painfully shy and unhealthily afraid of pretty much everyone. *sigh*

It wasn't that I disliked people. Rather, I lived under the belief that everyone automatically disliked me, for some reason I was blind to. You could easily say I had an inferiority complex. I really wanted to be friends with people, but my biggest fear was of being an annoyance to anyone, so I tried to stay out of everyone's way, would never voice an opposing opinion, and kept from doing anything that might draw attention. My "reasoning" was that people who actually wanted to be friends would naturally make the first move to get to know me. (Although if anyone ever actually did, I was usually suspicious of their motives until I knew enough about them to trust them! Brilliant, right?)

So thus, I had a very difficult time making friends, and was never taught how to act around boys or how to attract any positive attention. Or any attention at all.

Girls, if you’re thinking "that's totally me right now!" ...know that it will do a VERY good job of keeping you out of trouble with boys. ...Aaannnnd that's about all it's good for. It does not help you become a well-adjusted human being, or help you form deep, meaningful friendships, or do well in job interviews, et cetera. It's hard to get out of, but with a lot of willpower, time, practice, surrounding yourself with good people and learning to experience true freedom in Christ, you don't have to be trapped in your head like that anymore. You have to really want to change. But it’s possible. (Exhibit A, right here! Let’s talk!)

I don't share these things about myself to ask for sympathy (empathy? pity?) but to hopefully put words to what others are experiencing and therefore expose to the light what happens in the darkness of many minds. And for this post, to shed some light on the Ice Queen phenomenon, because I've been there, and I know I am still very capable of it.

I understand there are many other different ways the Ice Queen can manifest herself. But I think most men have a poor understanding of what this woman is actually thinking.

Guys, the Ice Queen phenomenon is a self-defense tactic. Assuming the woman in question is single, here are some common situations. We either:

• A) rightfully think you’re a creeper, or see something glaringly obvious that is sending up red flags, so we intentionally keep our distance. This category generally is reserved for those of you who proudly identify yourselves as “playas,” or otherwise lead a lifestyle that is contrary to our morals and values. Or that could land you in prison. ...Or, we...
• B) wrongfully think you're a creeper - at which point (after re-evaluating how you come across to others) you may have to get creative to prove us wrong, because we love a good legitimate pursuit!! ...or...
• C) You're likely a fantastic guy deep down but we can't see it because something in your behavior is awkward, annoying, pushy, unhygienic, or comes across in some other unpleasant manner that is standing in the way, and we can't bring ourselves to speak so bluntly to you... so we resort to avoidance. If you're getting this vibe a lot, you miiiiight want to ask some wise person (of the same gender) to be painfully honest to help you figure out what you need to fix. If you can identify yourself as this type of guy, please learn some social skills. I don’t say that to be mean - I say it as someone who's been there, to challenge you to observe how other people interact and compare it to your own interactions, read up on personality types, take psychology or communication classes, and/or read helpful articles online such as this: (Don't Be That Guy), along with all the others on this fantastic website called the Art of Manliness! ...oooorrrr...
• D) we're having a bad day. Now here is a challenging opportunity for you! Most of us women love venting, although we probably need to be convinced that you care enough to listen, and that you aren’t guy “A” or “C” in this list. If you approach carefully, and can exercise the art of drawing us out without pushing for more than we feel comfortable sharing, this can result in a win-win situation! ...OR...
• E) we're actually very interested, but don't want to appear too "forward" (perish the thought he might think I’m interested even though I am! *gasp*) so we err on the side of acting cold... ugh... (guess who's been guilty of that?) (yeah that'd be me.) ...or...
• F) we're just clueless, and we're so used to being on the defensive that we just default to unwittingly acting icy around all men. We honestly think our behavior is normal and expected of us. We're sorry!! ...OOOORRRRR...
• G) it really might be you making things up in your perception of a woman’s behavior. Perhaps you are just clueless yourself. She’s probably agonizing herself right now, wondering why you won’t ask her out, despite her trying to coyly get your attention for months!

So, looking at this bulleted list mathematically, if you think you're facing an Ice Queen, you still have a 78.6% chance in your favor (I counted point C as half) that she might warm up a little to you if you approach carefully and don't get scared away. How's that for scientific reasoning?!

Okay, okay, so these aren't the only reasons a woman would act cold toward a man. Everyone has their own things in life they need to take into account. I just wanted to make known some possible reasons for girls acting icy around guys, and to encourage you guys to not let yourselves be dismissed so quickly by such a woman! :)

Disclaimer - The key is to be observant of the subtle signals she is sending. I recommend you stick around long enough to ask a few questions, bring up a subject of interest you might have in common, get a few sentences out of her. She might just be shy, and would really like you to pry a little bit. In which case, by all means stay and keep talking, and ask questions to draw her out! But if she still seems like she’s trying to end the conversation after everything you say, politely make a clean break, and leave her alone. This could be a sign that you might be “Guy C” from the list above (especially if you observe you seem to be the only guy getting the ice, and she is not acting cold at all toward other guys). Or it could be that she just has issues. Or maybe she is already taken and doesn’t want people to see her without her significant other, talking to someone as devastatingly handsome as you.

And now for an inspirational quote from everyone’s favorite relationship advisor, Hitch! (Full of sweeping generalizations, but still makes some excellent points!):

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, ‘I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" ... It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. ... Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Intentional Receptivity

Finally an article with good constructive advice for the single ladies waiting to be pursued!

Intentional Receptivity

...at least I think it's good advice. What do I know? I'm still single :)

Speaking of which, let's get some more feedback and discussion going in these here comment sections!

GUYS: Would you agree with the suggestions for the ladies in "Intentional Receptivity"? Anything you would add, or anything that doesn't quite sit right with you?

I'll work on a real post soon, I promise. I've got at least a dozen half-written ones lying around waiting for some love.

Women's Worst Fear Revealed...

I think this is probably THE biggest unnecessarily kept secret about women.

Are you ready, men?

Here it is:



Women's worst fear is of BEING ABANDONED.

Every bump in the road, every disagreement, every miscommunication, we worry you might love us a little less, or we wonder if we’ve done something to make you think about leaving.

I'm always going to worry that something I inadvertently pull one day is going to scare you away. I really, REALLY need to know that you are not going anywhere.

Men, if you are spending lots of time alone to process something, or if you seem unresponsive to us one day, we are automatically going to think "Oh CRAP, I did something to make him not want to be around me. I screwed up. I need to fix this. Why won't he talk to me? What did I do wrong?" Honestly, this will be on the absolute forefront of our minds, above work, above other friends and family, above whatever we're trying to accomplish at any given moment, until you convince us that the relationship is not in jeopardy.

When women sense that their man has been acting distant, we start craving affirmation. And ironically, it will naturally out in the form of sarcasm, or acting equally distant toward said man. Why? I think it's because we want him to NOTICE the rift, and to DO something about it. It's a sad phenomenon, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on in most women's subconsciousness.

The other extreme of women might start acting clingy instead. Which probably makes you men want to spend even more time alone. :-/

So, men: Probably the best thing you can do, when you need to go off to spend a lot of time alone, is say these magic words... repeat after me:
"Darling, there are some things I need to process alone for a while before I can talk about them, ***but I want you to know that we are totally okay, and I love you. You don't need to question that at all.***"

Seriously. These words will take a LOAD of stress off our minds, and we will once again be able to sleep at night! AND we'll have a MUCH easier time giving you the space you need! :D It's a win-win!!

Even if the problem is directly related to the relationship, as long as we hear something along the lines of: "I can't stand talking right now and I need to go demolish something!! I'm upset with you but I still love you. I'll be back later when I can talk more calmly!" ...it will be a HUGE relief.

Then once the problem is dealt with, come back and pursue us again.
We LOVE it, and we will never get tired of it! :)

Friend Zone Myths Debunked!

Fellas, I don't know how the dreaded friend zone became such a huge concern, but for the most part, it hardly even exists.

There are a few guys who may catch our eyes right away, but they're not the ones we go home and think about, and ask our friends for advice about.

On the contrary, it's the men we've known for a while - long enough to know at least a fair amount about their character - that become long-term crushes. These are the men we trust to not take advantage of us, and who we want to protect us from those that would.

People change and grow over time, and so do their priorities and desired qualities in a mate. Guys, please don’t discount a girl you like because you think she deposited you in the “friend zone” long ago. Even if she has, if you feel strongly enough about her, you can probably persuade her to rethink how she feels about you with a bit of creative wooing.
Be encouraged - On the off-chance you unwillingly find yourself in the friend zone, know that it doesn’t have to be a permanent residence!

Disclaimer to guys: A girl may have legitimate reasons for keeping you in the friend zone, such as issues of maturity, or differing core beliefs.
On that note, a message to the ladies: Aside from those kind of non-negotiables, likewise, don’t discount a man just because you’re not initially attracted to him.

That is all.

The 70's Are Over!

A few hours ago, some of us Andalasians were talking about how we enjoy being sappy and sentimental... but we've been very conflicted throughout our lives about letting that show. And I have the sneaking suspicion that it's not limited to the ladies in this house. I think a lot of women are feeling the same way. We figured it has something to with wanting to appear capable - Proving that our heads aren't always in the clouds, or that our thoughts aren't easily swayed by fleeting emotions. Because that would make us less credible.

We've been raised to believe that we can do anything the boys can do. We hear that we need to get higher degrees, and succeed in competitive careers! Join the army! Become President of the United States! Toughen yourself up, and take it like a man! While you're at it, wear the pants in your relationship, IF you're weak enough to need a man! Heaven forbid you "waste your life" keeping a home, supporting a husband, and raising children!

Darn feminist movement. The 70's are over, people!

Sorry. Tangent.

So basically, culture has been telling us all our lives that we need to shut down the emotional side of our brains in order to be more rational, reasonable, intellectual, and capable, and therefore more competitive and successful. Because it is what we women "must do" these days. It's expected of us.

I've spent most of my life doing a frighteningly good job of internalizing everything I felt. Only in the past several months (my roommates have testified to this) have I really been coming to grips with the idea that trying to hide my emotional side is pretty silly. I don't have to suppress it in order to be an intelligent being. I don't have to be any less "capable" in order to acknowledge my emotions. God gave them to me - they are valuable, and I should embrace them. God himself is an emotional being. Just look - He weeps and rejoices all over the Bible! And He is Love! He cares for the littlest sparrow - you can't even imagine how much more He cares for you, a being made in His image!

And He gave women such an extreme capacity for emotion that was created to complement men! It really is a shame we're compelled to stifle it. Let's stop trying to, shall we, ladies? I can say from experience that life is so much more fulfilling when you take time to fully experience and appreciate the beauty in life. Doing so will not make you any less capable. You don't have to prove anything. :)




On that note, future husband of mine somewhere out there, let it be known that I won't fight you for the sake of proving my capability in most cases... EXCEPT when it comes to hooking up the DVD player to the tv and speakers. I take great joy in connecting audio/visual equipment, and I can do it just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch! he he he...





"If you live wide-eyed in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. Keep your eyes open, your lamp burning, so you don't get musty and murky. Keep your life as well-lighted as your best-lighted room."
- from Luke chapter 11

The GBS Phenomenon

GBS or Googaly Brain Syndrome is popular among women of all ages, but particularly prevalent in single women. It is the direct result of a variety of situations that are exciting, confusing or out of her control, always in association with an OIM (Obviously Interested Man).


The condition progressively reduces the effectiveness of the subjects ability to think straight. GBS is a pandemic, it has affected thousands of women all over the world.


SYMPTOMS OF GBS:

• The OIM Name Drop - This is an early sign of GBS. The OIM name drop is a sign that the subjects brain has been infiltrated by the OIM. Spotting this early might help in controlling the effects of GBS.
  
• Uncontrollable Smiling & Giggling - In many cases the subject is unable to control their smiling reflexes, any hint of the OIM and the subject will smile without reason for an extended period of time. The subject might also be prone to frequent fits of giggling, this could be sparked by almost anything that reminds them of the OIM.
  
• Communication Attachment - You might find that the subject of GBS is very attached to their cell phone or computer, this is because they are hoping to receive communication from the OIM. A popular display of communication attachment is seen in the Text and Smile - where communication attachment and the uncontrollable smiling are combined together.
  
• The Fetal Position or Buried Head - You might notice that when the subject is confronted on the matter of the OIM, a popular response might be to curl up in a ball or bury their head into something, like a pillow, although this response has little to no effect on the GBS, it does tend to comfort the subject.

CAUSES OF GBS:

• OIM (Obviously Interested Man)- OIM are the primary cause of GBS, the signs of OIM include but are not limited to: Frequent visits, excessively calling, gift giving, copious flattery, offering to drive, offering to cook, going out of his way to see you, volunteering to watch chick flicks, extended eye contact, back rubs, cuddling, hand-holding, and in very rare cases kissing.
  
• AGM (Amy Grant Man)- Called the AGM because like the 1988 Amy Grant Album, they tend to "Lead Me On". AGM are particularly dangerous because they will often exhibit many of the signs shown by OIM without being actually interested in the subject. Problems arise when the subject suffers from GBS while the subject is interacting with the AGM. The results usually end in disappointment, over-analyzation and ultimately broken heart.

KNOWN CURES FOR GBS:

• Teasing - Teasing is best when exhibited from the close friends and family of the subject. Teasing will result in uncontrollable smiling, the fetal position and buried head. Beware of overuse of teasing as it may cause the subject's GBS to become more severe.
  
• DTR (Define the Relationship)- Defining the relationship is best when executed by the OIM. This helps maintain the normal patterns of pursuit. The Define the Relationship talk usually results in the mutual tellings of feelings. This is a cure for GBS because the subject no longer has to live in confusion about the meaning of all the signs of the OIM, but now knows from the source that her suspicions are correct.

SUMMARY:
Not all women suffer from GBS to same severity. Please check with a doctor before using any real medications in association with GBS.


Women suffering from GBS should consult with a trusted friend or confidant who can help verify the existence of a OIM versus an AGM.

The Love of a Lifetime

Today, I had to face one very sobering fact.  I am a girl and I am totally and irrevocably, a romatic sap at heart.


You see, my 4'11' mom set an example of not letting the hand your were dealt keep you from accomplishing anything, she taught me that I am capable and strong.  My do-it-yourself dad taught me how to swing a hammer and roof a house.  I like to believe that I am independent and I can take care of myself.  


Tonight I watched Letters to Juliet, a very predictable chick flick, as I had expected, but a story about sweethearts who had fallen in love 50 years before, married other people, had families of their own and after the death of their spouses, 50 years later, they found each other and were married at last.


Now I know that this is a ficitious story, but it got me thinking about love and romance.  My do-it-yourself, stand-on-your-own-two-feet attitude has gotten me through a lot of things in life, and most days it carries me through, the drive and passions that I have are important and part of who I am to the core, but part of me still longs for something more.

I long to be held in the arms of a man who loves me for all my faults, all my failures, all my strengths and all my joys.  I still wait for the day when I will be standing in front of my closest friends and family, staring into the eyes of my best friend.  And most of all, I look forward to the day when across from me I see a wrinkled old man, he has walked with me through many seasons of life, he has been there in the hard times and in the best times and he is still anxious to take me by the hand and face the next stage with the woman he loves.

Why We Started "Dear Future Husbands"

First of all, we are not out to bash men in any way. We really appreciate how God made men! :)
Rather, we wanted to bridge a communication gap between the sexes.

It is an outlet for us, as single young women, to tell you men what we wish you knew, minus the awkwardness of saying it to you individually in person.

And for you, future husbands everywhere, it's a candid glimpse of the inner thoughts of some real women. A lot of things we write about have been published before - it's not necessarily earth-shattering information. But hopefully it means more coming from us, rather than from a book or an article making broad generalizations. We want this blog to help you understand "what women want," and why. We want you to understand us, really!! Hopefully the things we write about are helping you make sense of the tangled mess of our minds, giving you some good insights, and helping you become a better future husband to whomever you decide to marry.

If someone wants to start a "Dear Future Wives" blog, I would be very interested in reading it! :)

To my Dear Future Husband,

I have been let down a lot.
I'm cautious because I don't want to get my hopes up. Again.
Please, *please*... be persistent with me.
I want to make sure it's really you.

Love,
Marlys

STEPS FOR MAKING A DECISION (particularly in reference to relationships):

1. Figure out what you're deciding between. Take inventory of your options.

2. Pray about it. Be genuine here. It's all well and good to say "Your will be done, Lord," but don't just leave it at that. There should be some conversation too. Vent to your Father. Tell him everything running through your mind, and talk about what you're hung up on. He knows your thoughts, but he wants to hear you say them. ...This trait of God he also instilled in women ;-)

3. Seek wise counsel. Talk to some folks you really trust with outside perspectives. Talk to men who have been married for a long time. Then re-evaluate your options.

4. Consider your gut feeling. It's usually right. Could be the prompting of the Holy Spirit! Repeat Step #2 to make sure...!

5. Make the best choice based on the information you have. Put it into action!



...We find it very attractive when you confidently make a decision and do something about it :)

What DO Women Want?

Guest post from honorary Andalasia Lady: Caitlin

To the Future Wives

It has come to my attention that a good portion of the readers of DFH are women. I think this is because we, the women, like to know we are not alone in the world, that are other people out there feeling just as confused as we are. I wanted to take the opportunity to address the women, the future wives and tell you a few of the things that I have learned (or am still learning), so…


To The Future Wives:


I know most of you are excited for the day when you will be married, some of you have dreamed of that day and some of you have already picked out your reception location. It's so easy to think about the future, the things to come and the what will be, that sometimes we forget to appreciate the present, to seize the day. So here are a few pieces of advice for the meantime:


FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE
I have heard so many women talk about everything they are not, more than I care to even count, but what about everything that we are? Each of us has something unique to offer, for some of us, that might be more awkwardness than grace or elegance, but that doesn't mean it's not worthwhile. Not every man is looking for the prim and proper, always put together woman who looks like she just stepped out of an advertisement in Martha Stewart magazine. I know I am not looking for the guy who just walked out of a Hollister ad, I am looking for a guy who can appreciate the fact that I love Joss Whedon TV shows, nerdy tshirts, apple products, ultimate frisbee and photography more than I love cleaning.


Somehow we get the idea in our heads that only the perfect girls that will find someone? But who are they? We all make mistakes, we all get zits on our faces, have bad hair days or bad hair years and would probably change something about our physical appearance if it was left up to us.


I know it's cliche and over stated, but the man who truly loves you, will know all of your strengths and all of your weaknesses and he will love you all the same and that is a beautiful thing. Confidence goes along way, knowing who you are will help a man know who you are. If you are awkward, be awkward, if you are clumsy, embrace that. Don't be afraid to sing at the top of your lungs in the car, dance in front of an open window or laugh until you snort, these are all parts of the creativity of God. He didn't form you in your mother's womb, and then go, "Oops! That's not how that was supposed to turn out!"


So in the words of Dolly Parton, "Find out who you are and do it on purpose," because the sooner we can do that, the sooner we can live in the full knowledge that we are created by God and God doesn't make mistakes.


KEEP GROWING
Find ways to continue growing, pursue your passions, find adventure, learn about what interests you. Don't ever think that you life begins or ends with or without a man. This world is full of many wonderful things, places to visit, people to met, food to taste. Don't spend your life waiting for the next stage, embrace the stage you are in. I know this one is harder for some people who aren't naturally inclined to do something like this, so, to get you started here is a list of things you can do, some are free, some are not, but hopefully it will inspire you to do something new.

• Visit a museum
• Try a new ethnic food (I strongly recommend: Ethiopian, Japanese or French)
• Spend a day by a body of water: Lakes, Rivers, Oceans
• Take a road trip
• Read a classic novel
• See a play
• Cook something new
• Go on a photography walk
• Go to the drive-in theater
• Play paintball (it's fun, if you can handle a little pain)
• Go Geocaching (http://www.geocaching.com/)
• Visit a new city
• Grow Something
• Play a sport (personally, I recommend Ultimate Frisbee)
• Join a club - Book club, Bunko League, Bowling League, Bible Study
• Go dancing - If you need a place to go, my roommates can make a few recommendations!
• Take lessons - Guitar, voice, dance, acting
• Write a song
• See a concert
• Learn a language
• Take a class - pottery, art

(If you are in minneapolis and want more specific recommendations, just let me know!)


LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
On the surface, this may appear to be horrible advice, to lower your expectations, but stay with me for a minute. For ___ years, you have watched the princess be saved by the prince, you have listened to the countless songs telling of the wonders of love and you have read the great stories penned from the hands of writers over time and I think sometimes our heads get puffed up with theses ideas of how love is going to be.


In all my experience with relationships, not that it's extensive, they are rarely graceful, in fact, they are generally awkward and they certainly never live up to the slow motion montages featured in most chick flicks.


My parents separated two years ago and it has made me rethink everything that I thought I knew about marriage. It's not this fluffy fairytale where you decide that you love each other and then everything magically falls into place. Marriage is a commitment, a fight, even a war at times. We have to prepare ourselves for that, to be prepared for confrontation, to put fail-safes in place so that when we falter, we have a net of support.


No, lower your expectations doesn't mean to settle for Mr. Collins just because you are afraid of being alone, it just means understand where you are setting the expectations too high, where you are lost in the thought of the perfect man and the perfect marriage that are fabricated from fictional stories that will never come true.




TRUST GOD'S PLAN
The longer I live, the more I realize how wrong I can be. For instance, if my life had gone according to my plan at 16, I would have been married, working at an awesome Christian radio station that I helped start, driving a Chrysler Sebring convertible, living in Colorado Springs and I would probably have a little baby running around. As it turns out, I am 24, living in a house full of women, driving a Toyota Matrix, working in marketing for a small company that no one has ever really heard of, in fact, most of my friends can't even remember what it's called, spending the weekends taking pictures of other people getting married BUT I am incredibly blessed by the people in my life and I wouldn't trade it for my 16-year-old self's plan anyday. You see, if I had gotten what I wanted, I wouldn't be where I am right now, living in a community of women who challenge me to be better, getting to witness first hand the lives of my best friends.


I know all of you reading this probably don't feel the same way I do right now, maybe you don't have a job or you are living at home or whatever the case may be, and trust me, I have been there, in the place of uncertainty. But I know that each of those places in our lives is there so we can learn something, so we can be better, to prepare us for what is ahead. God knows each of our hearts, he knows what I need to learn and he knows what you need to learn.


Ultimately, these are just the ramblings of a girl who is struggling to figure life out just as much as the rest of you are, but I know there are a few things that I have actually managed to learn along the way. Being a girl isn't easy, there are lots of dangers, pitfalls and black holes that we can fall into in our own minds, but when we truly learn to trust God's plan and take the time to see the reasons why he puts us where we are and made us who we are, I think that is when we can find true joy.

Embracing the Inner Disney Princess

For my birthday a few weeks ago, I was given not one, but two cards with Disney princesses on them. Both of them played music. I am a 20-something-year-old gal, mind you. Granted, one was picked out by my four-year-old niece who is obsessed with all things Disney princesses, but the other was from my 100% Italian, 5’1, 87-yr.-old Nana. Of course, it was carnation-pink with Cinderella in her blue ball gown flanked on either side by a flippered Ariel and graceful Sleeping Beauty donning a golden crown and off-the-shoulder, pink dress. “For the Birthday Princess” it read in white lettering across the top, my name written in pen below with an arrow swooping down and pointing to Cinderella’s clavicle. Sure, I’ll settle for Cinderella. Ariel was whiny and spoiled, Sleeping Beauty was dim-witted and naive, and let’s face it, unconscious for a good portion of the movie. Cinderella put up with a lot of crap! She’s by far the most realistic. She was down-to-earth, content and humble despite her circumstances and she didn’t throw pity-parties about how her prince hadn’t come yet, nor did she think said prince would solve all her problems. It’s not that she didn’t wish things were different. She was optimistic, but also realistic.

I’ve often wondered what the draw is to these princesses as they often only reinforce unrealistic expectations about beauty, love, marriage, and so many other things. “Every girl can beeee a princess!! Any dream can beeeee!!” the card from my Nana wistfully sang. I guess I must be an odd duck in the sense that I never went through the typical girly princess phase. Although my room growing up did have matching Pepto Bismol pink curtains and bedspread, and pink was hands-down my favorite color in Kindergarten, not much else materialized in that realm. For the most part, I was never one to host tea parties for my Care Bears, nor did I ever want traditional dolls or long to twirl around in poofy skirts just for fun (the exception being when I would get to wear awesome, poofy skirts for dance costumes or dress up in my sister’s old ballet dresses). As far as Disney movies went, my favorites have always been non-princess movies (Pinocchio and Lady and the Tramp). Go figure. In reflecting upon my childhood, I’ve often wondered if my parents’ divorce when I was five had anything to do with the silencing of my inner Snow White. I mean, five-years-old is prime princess phase time. I’ve always had a great, close relationship with my dad, but sometimes I wonder if something subliminal happened at that point. It doesn’t really make sense for a little girl to dream of a prince on a white horse coming to whisk her away in a pretty dress and make everything better when the reality of marriage not always ending in “happily ever after” is staring at her cold in the face.

On the tangent of princesses, I have often seen this sentiment of girly perfection carried over into expectations of Christian women. Just pick up any book on relationships, understanding women (yes, some people attempt such risky endeavors), or look on the nightstand of most female freshman at Northwestern, and you’ll find plenty of kindling on the matter. Yes, men and women are definitely wired differently which is a gift and something I’m thankful for, but I don’t think we should pigeon-hole ourselves into these neat, little categories of “warrior man” and “princess woman”, and I think God’s a bit more creative than that. I mean, it’s ridiculous to expect every man to love deer hunting, American football and fixing cars, but why is it expected that all little girls are the same? I remember reading Captivating a few years back, and it had a lot of truth in it and a lot that I could relate to. At the same time, I look around me, and so often there’s this unspoken impression that I have to be this 1950’s housewife who wants seven children and does all the “right” Christian, womanly duties to be considered Godly.

Let me just add here that I do acknowledge the generalizations made in such books as Wild at Heart and Captivating. Men, regardless of interests or pastimes, do enjoy a good adventure and pursuit and women do have an inward wiring for romance and being pursued. I’m just saying that how that will be expressed from man-to-man or woman-to-woman will vary.

With that said, I’m not a 21st-century Betty Crocker. I don’t particularly like cooking, nor do I find emotional satiety in baking. I hated sewing class in 8th grade. I wear skirts and dresses only when mandated (weddings and the like) although that is slowly changing. I recently wore a skirt every day for a week, and I’ll admit that I was a little sad when I wore jeans again. I’m definitely not a tomboy, though. I grew up loving My Little Ponies and Rainbow Brite, and I took dance classes (including ballet) for 10 years. I am terrified of creepy-crawly bugs, I own a jewelry box along with soft purple sweaters, and I do enjoy an occasional chick-flick surrounded by my close friends and good chocolate.

So here’s where I wonder (rhetorically)...Do I have to fit some unattainable, cookie-cutter, model of what it means to be a Christian woman? Am I supposed to embrace this “inner Disney princess” that I’m pretty sure has gone on a 20-year wild goose chase? Do I have to be so sweet 24/7 that I ooze pixie sticks out my pores? Does hospitality have to be my highest score on a spiritual gifts inventory test? Despite the fact that I’m wired pretty strongly as a reflective and reserved introvert, sometimes I ponder if you’ll still consider me lovely and beautiful if I’m witty and sarcastic at times or if you’ll think me unladylike if I jump up and down and yell at the screen like a maniac when the Vikings are on. Will you think I’m a weirdo if I insert random, Russian words into everyday conversation? I say I ask these things rhetorically because I know deep down that it’s ridiculous to think I have to compromise who I am or be someone I’m not to be accepted by others. After all, haven’t we been spoon-fed this stuff from Mr. Rogers since we were pre-schoolers?

In closing, (I know, you’re asking “IS there an end to this post?) I once read a piece of flair on a friend’s Facebook page that said, “All I want is a guy who knows my flaws and struggles that come with loving me and still thinks I’m worth the trouble!” I think a lot of women would agree with this, and I’d expect a lot of guys would say the same in what they’re looking for in a woman. Nobody wants to be put in compartmentalized boxes of expectations but to be accepted for who they are, warts and all. As I’ve heard it said, “What else do we want, each one of us, except to love and be loved?” Whoever you are, future husband, I want you to know that I have more than my fair share of quirks, flaws and struggles. I’m a work in progress, and after living with 31 people over the last seven years, I’m convinced everyone, even those who would love to don a paper mask that they have it all together, have their own issues and emotional baggage to claim. The last thing I want you to feel is that you have to be this unrealistic knight in shining armor on a white horse. Have a goofy sense of humor, embrace your inner Star Trek junkie, have a never-ending quest of finding the perfect Swedish cuisine to be shared by candlelight (as long as it’s not lutefisk). It doesn’t really matter. Let’s just be human and do this crazy thing called “life” together because living like gender textbook robots and greeting card princesses whisks all the fun out of life.

Why It Sucks To Be A Girl

On Kissing...

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
- Albert Einstein

None of this quick peck nonsense. Please don't kiss me unless you mean it.*

And I really, REALLY hope you mean it every morning before you leave for work, every evening when you come home, and every night before drifting off to sleep.

...And any other times you feel like it in between. :)

* For this reason, i will be wary of kissing you until I know for certain you're going to stick around for the long haul -- until we're engaged, at least. Please don't take offense, and please respect me by not pushing the issue - it's for my own emotional health. Besides... we will have all the time in the world to work on that later. ;) And you, my husband, can feel proud and rest easy, knowing that my lips have never touched another man.

My Apologies in Advance...

I'm going to be terrible at dating you. I just know it. You see, I'd be very good at being all-in, in a committed relationship. On the other hand, I've had most of my life to practice being all-out. I have no idea how to act in between, in the dating stage, to not bore you, but not leave myself too vulnerable until you've made a commitment to me for the long haul.

Here's an insider tip for ya though:
If I ever deliberately avoid a topic or refuse to answer a question, it's not that I don't want to tell you! Please don't assume I'm trying to hide an awful secret from you. I'm not even sure I have any awful secrets to hide! If you ever get the idea I'm omitting information, especially while we are dating, it's either because:
A) I don't think you're interested, or...
B) for the sake of modesty. For the love, please change the topic!

...Some things just need to be saved for later.


I'm sorry for any frustration this will cause you. Hang in there bud.

"A Woman's Question" by Lena Lathrop

(The language and imagery may be archaic, but the thoughts behind it are rooted in timeless truth)

"A Woman's Question"
by Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life -
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts -
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.