The Ice Queen Phenomenon

Here’s another long post from me! Guess I have a lot to say about this. I thought of making it a two-parter, but why make you wait for the conclusion?? I trust you can make it through just fine. Here we go...

So, I recently have been following a heated comment thread here.
Check it out if you like, but here my summary: the men say they are reluctant to approach women because they have concluded that all women are either "Ice Queens," or "harpies circling Mr. Unattainable"?!

I would like to address the Ice Queen phenomenon, as I understand it.
My definition of an Ice Queen is a woman who gives the impression of being unfriendly and unreceptive to a man approaching her.

Here are my credentials: I've totally been guilty of being the Ice Queen myself, especially in my younger years. I've never been afraid of stubbornly deflecting anyone I felt uneasy about. Then again, at that time I was painfully shy and unhealthily afraid of pretty much everyone. *sigh*

It wasn't that I disliked people. Rather, I lived under the belief that everyone automatically disliked me, for some reason I was blind to. You could easily say I had an inferiority complex. I really wanted to be friends with people, but my biggest fear was of being an annoyance to anyone, so I tried to stay out of everyone's way, would never voice an opposing opinion, and kept from doing anything that might draw attention. My "reasoning" was that people who actually wanted to be friends would naturally make the first move to get to know me. (Although if anyone ever actually did, I was usually suspicious of their motives until I knew enough about them to trust them! Brilliant, right?)

So thus, I had a very difficult time making friends, and was never taught how to act around boys or how to attract any positive attention. Or any attention at all.

Girls, if you’re thinking "that's totally me right now!" ...know that it will do a VERY good job of keeping you out of trouble with boys. ...Aaannnnd that's about all it's good for. It does not help you become a well-adjusted human being, or help you form deep, meaningful friendships, or do well in job interviews, et cetera. It's hard to get out of, but with a lot of willpower, time, practice, surrounding yourself with good people and learning to experience true freedom in Christ, you don't have to be trapped in your head like that anymore. You have to really want to change. But it’s possible. (Exhibit A, right here! Let’s talk!)

I don't share these things about myself to ask for sympathy (empathy? pity?) but to hopefully put words to what others are experiencing and therefore expose to the light what happens in the darkness of many minds. And for this post, to shed some light on the Ice Queen phenomenon, because I've been there, and I know I am still very capable of it.

I understand there are many other different ways the Ice Queen can manifest herself. But I think most men have a poor understanding of what this woman is actually thinking.

Guys, the Ice Queen phenomenon is a self-defense tactic. Assuming the woman in question is single, here are some common situations. We either:

• A) rightfully think you’re a creeper, or see something glaringly obvious that is sending up red flags, so we intentionally keep our distance. This category generally is reserved for those of you who proudly identify yourselves as “playas,” or otherwise lead a lifestyle that is contrary to our morals and values. Or that could land you in prison. ...Or, we...
• B) wrongfully think you're a creeper - at which point (after re-evaluating how you come across to others) you may have to get creative to prove us wrong, because we love a good legitimate pursuit!! ...or...
• C) You're likely a fantastic guy deep down but we can't see it because something in your behavior is awkward, annoying, pushy, unhygienic, or comes across in some other unpleasant manner that is standing in the way, and we can't bring ourselves to speak so bluntly to you... so we resort to avoidance. If you're getting this vibe a lot, you miiiiight want to ask some wise person (of the same gender) to be painfully honest to help you figure out what you need to fix. If you can identify yourself as this type of guy, please learn some social skills. I don’t say that to be mean - I say it as someone who's been there, to challenge you to observe how other people interact and compare it to your own interactions, read up on personality types, take psychology or communication classes, and/or read helpful articles online such as this: (Don't Be That Guy), along with all the others on this fantastic website called the Art of Manliness! ...oooorrrr...
• D) we're having a bad day. Now here is a challenging opportunity for you! Most of us women love venting, although we probably need to be convinced that you care enough to listen, and that you aren’t guy “A” or “C” in this list. If you approach carefully, and can exercise the art of drawing us out without pushing for more than we feel comfortable sharing, this can result in a win-win situation! ...OR...
• E) we're actually very interested, but don't want to appear too "forward" (perish the thought he might think I’m interested even though I am! *gasp*) so we err on the side of acting cold... ugh... (guess who's been guilty of that?) (yeah that'd be me.) ...or...
• F) we're just clueless, and we're so used to being on the defensive that we just default to unwittingly acting icy around all men. We honestly think our behavior is normal and expected of us. We're sorry!! ...OOOORRRRR...
• G) it really might be you making things up in your perception of a woman’s behavior. Perhaps you are just clueless yourself. She’s probably agonizing herself right now, wondering why you won’t ask her out, despite her trying to coyly get your attention for months!

So, looking at this bulleted list mathematically, if you think you're facing an Ice Queen, you still have a 78.6% chance in your favor (I counted point C as half) that she might warm up a little to you if you approach carefully and don't get scared away. How's that for scientific reasoning?!

Okay, okay, so these aren't the only reasons a woman would act cold toward a man. Everyone has their own things in life they need to take into account. I just wanted to make known some possible reasons for girls acting icy around guys, and to encourage you guys to not let yourselves be dismissed so quickly by such a woman! :)

Disclaimer - The key is to be observant of the subtle signals she is sending. I recommend you stick around long enough to ask a few questions, bring up a subject of interest you might have in common, get a few sentences out of her. She might just be shy, and would really like you to pry a little bit. In which case, by all means stay and keep talking, and ask questions to draw her out! But if she still seems like she’s trying to end the conversation after everything you say, politely make a clean break, and leave her alone. This could be a sign that you might be “Guy C” from the list above (especially if you observe you seem to be the only guy getting the ice, and she is not acting cold at all toward other guys). Or it could be that she just has issues. Or maybe she is already taken and doesn’t want people to see her without her significant other, talking to someone as devastatingly handsome as you.

And now for an inspirational quote from everyone’s favorite relationship advisor, Hitch! (Full of sweeping generalizations, but still makes some excellent points!):

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, ‘I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" ... It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. ... Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Intentional Receptivity

Finally an article with good constructive advice for the single ladies waiting to be pursued!

Intentional Receptivity

...at least I think it's good advice. What do I know? I'm still single :)

Speaking of which, let's get some more feedback and discussion going in these here comment sections!

GUYS: Would you agree with the suggestions for the ladies in "Intentional Receptivity"? Anything you would add, or anything that doesn't quite sit right with you?

I'll work on a real post soon, I promise. I've got at least a dozen half-written ones lying around waiting for some love.

What Not to Do: An Assessment Upon Viewing Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

After a long hiatus of writing on here, I decided to do a light-hearted critique on this famous musical. I just saw it for the first time yesterday, and with a name like it has, isn’t it just crying to be written about on such a forum? ;-)

First of all, for those who haven’t seen it, here is a plot summary from that venerable site of all movie wisdom, www.imdb.com:

“Adam, the eldest of seven brothers, goes to town to get a wife. He convinces Milly to marry him that same day. They return to his backwoods home. Only then does she discover he has six brothers - all living in his cabin. Milly sets out to reform the uncouth siblings, who are anxious to get wives of their own. Then, after reading about the Roman capture of the Sabine women, Adam develops an inspired solution to his brothers' loneliness.”

With that said, here are my thoughts upon viewing the movie. In short, men of cyberspace, here is a simple list of 10 things to keep in mind/NEVER do when considering wooing a woman...

1. Just because you’re place is a pigsty and you can’t cook for beans doesn’t mean you need a wife. It means you need to grow up.

2. Adam Pontipee is the epitome of how NOT to view/treat women. I have no idea why Milly ever fell for him. Sheer desperation? If I met a man like him and he talked to me/treated me like that, he’d have a swollen lip and good kick in the pants in about ten seconds.

3. Don’t think you can just march into town one day and get a wife like buying chewing tobacco and wagon supplies. This isn't Oregon Trail, and if you think it is, you may have an unfortunate accident fording the river, if you catch my drift.

4. Don’t think singing “Bless Your Beautiful Hide” is gonna woo anyone over.

5. Essentially saying, “I don’t have time to get to know you, so just agree to marry me on-the-spot after knowing me five minutes,” is bad news. Oh, and then accusing a woman of being prideful if she doesn’t agree to marry you under such circumstances is asking for nothing but trouble. If this wasn’t a 1950’s musical, I doubt there would be a happy ending.

6. Note how many times Milly refers to feelings when she is trying to convince the reverend that she should marry a complete stranger. Girls, please don’t justify being with a guy because of ooshy-gooshy feelings (or just because he’s not a creep).

7. Don’t keep important information from your future wife--like how you have six, animalistic brothers who live with you and how you expect your new wife to cook, clean and pick up after them like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Catch how many times Adam refers to all the work that needs to be done around the house and then punctuates it by saying, “But now that YOU'RE here...” Gag me. There’s a monumental difference between having a wife and having a “cook, washer-woman and hired girl”(in Milly’s words).

8. Never say, “One woman’s pretty much like the next.” Especially in her presence. Gee, that sounds great. Way to make a gal feel special there, Adam.

9. Pursuing a woman is one thing. Kidnapping seven engaged women and then causing an avalanche to keep them from escaping is...not cool.

10. If you’re confronted about something you need to work on (in Adam’s case, being repeatedly extremely inconsiderate and arrogant), don’t go out into the wilderness and pout about it and then refuse to come home when you find out your wife is pregnant. What’s worse, never a) disbelieve that she had a baby or b) accuse her of having a baby as “just one of her tricks to get me to come back”. Um, I’m pretty sure it’s not all her doing that she’s pregnant, meat head. Oh, and then when you find out she had a girl, don’t be all let down about it as if you’ve been cursed. If only men knew back then that it’s them that determine the gender...

Anyway, I had a good laugh, and I appreciated the creativity in choreography (I mean, a whole musical number with axes is pretty sweet). There are good lessons in this movie is well, so don't come after me about that. This is meant to be tongue-in-cheek.

Friend Zone Myths Debunked!

Fellas, I don't know how the dreaded friend zone became such a huge concern, but for the most part, it hardly even exists.

There are a few guys who may catch our eyes right away, but they're not the ones we go home and think about, and ask our friends for advice about.

On the contrary, it's the men we've known for a while - long enough to know at least a fair amount about their character - that become long-term crushes. These are the men we trust to not take advantage of us, and who we want to protect us from those that would.

People change and grow over time, and so do their priorities and desired qualities in a mate. Guys, please don’t discount a girl you like because you think she deposited you in the “friend zone” long ago. Even if she has, if you feel strongly enough about her, you can probably persuade her to rethink how she feels about you with a bit of creative wooing.
Be encouraged - On the off-chance you unwillingly find yourself in the friend zone, know that it doesn’t have to be a permanent residence!

Disclaimer to guys: A girl may have legitimate reasons for keeping you in the friend zone, such as issues of maturity, or differing core beliefs.
On that note, a message to the ladies: Aside from those kind of non-negotiables, likewise, don’t discount a man just because you’re not initially attracted to him.

That is all.

The GBS Phenomenon

GBS or Googaly Brain Syndrome is popular among women of all ages, but particularly prevalent in single women. It is the direct result of a variety of situations that are exciting, confusing or out of her control, always in association with an OIM (Obviously Interested Man).


The condition progressively reduces the effectiveness of the subjects ability to think straight. GBS is a pandemic, it has affected thousands of women all over the world.


SYMPTOMS OF GBS:

• The OIM Name Drop - This is an early sign of GBS. The OIM name drop is a sign that the subjects brain has been infiltrated by the OIM. Spotting this early might help in controlling the effects of GBS.
  
• Uncontrollable Smiling & Giggling - In many cases the subject is unable to control their smiling reflexes, any hint of the OIM and the subject will smile without reason for an extended period of time. The subject might also be prone to frequent fits of giggling, this could be sparked by almost anything that reminds them of the OIM.
  
• Communication Attachment - You might find that the subject of GBS is very attached to their cell phone or computer, this is because they are hoping to receive communication from the OIM. A popular display of communication attachment is seen in the Text and Smile - where communication attachment and the uncontrollable smiling are combined together.
  
• The Fetal Position or Buried Head - You might notice that when the subject is confronted on the matter of the OIM, a popular response might be to curl up in a ball or bury their head into something, like a pillow, although this response has little to no effect on the GBS, it does tend to comfort the subject.

CAUSES OF GBS:

• OIM (Obviously Interested Man)- OIM are the primary cause of GBS, the signs of OIM include but are not limited to: Frequent visits, excessively calling, gift giving, copious flattery, offering to drive, offering to cook, going out of his way to see you, volunteering to watch chick flicks, extended eye contact, back rubs, cuddling, hand-holding, and in very rare cases kissing.
  
• AGM (Amy Grant Man)- Called the AGM because like the 1988 Amy Grant Album, they tend to "Lead Me On". AGM are particularly dangerous because they will often exhibit many of the signs shown by OIM without being actually interested in the subject. Problems arise when the subject suffers from GBS while the subject is interacting with the AGM. The results usually end in disappointment, over-analyzation and ultimately broken heart.

KNOWN CURES FOR GBS:

• Teasing - Teasing is best when exhibited from the close friends and family of the subject. Teasing will result in uncontrollable smiling, the fetal position and buried head. Beware of overuse of teasing as it may cause the subject's GBS to become more severe.
  
• DTR (Define the Relationship)- Defining the relationship is best when executed by the OIM. This helps maintain the normal patterns of pursuit. The Define the Relationship talk usually results in the mutual tellings of feelings. This is a cure for GBS because the subject no longer has to live in confusion about the meaning of all the signs of the OIM, but now knows from the source that her suspicions are correct.

SUMMARY:
Not all women suffer from GBS to same severity. Please check with a doctor before using any real medications in association with GBS.


Women suffering from GBS should consult with a trusted friend or confidant who can help verify the existence of a OIM versus an AGM.

Married in the Morning!

Although this scene takes in the magical land of Andalasia, this line probably won't work on any of the Andalasia Ladies... just saying.

To my Dear Future Husband,

I have been let down a lot.
I'm cautious because I don't want to get my hopes up. Again.
Please, *please*... be persistent with me.
I want to make sure it's really you.

Love,
Marlys

STEPS FOR MAKING A DECISION (particularly in reference to relationships):

1. Figure out what you're deciding between. Take inventory of your options.

2. Pray about it. Be genuine here. It's all well and good to say "Your will be done, Lord," but don't just leave it at that. There should be some conversation too. Vent to your Father. Tell him everything running through your mind, and talk about what you're hung up on. He knows your thoughts, but he wants to hear you say them. ...This trait of God he also instilled in women ;-)

3. Seek wise counsel. Talk to some folks you really trust with outside perspectives. Talk to men who have been married for a long time. Then re-evaluate your options.

4. Consider your gut feeling. It's usually right. Could be the prompting of the Holy Spirit! Repeat Step #2 to make sure...!

5. Make the best choice based on the information you have. Put it into action!



...We find it very attractive when you confidently make a decision and do something about it :)

A recent midnight encounter.

After my roommates and I found some of these on our deck, we decided to do some research to see how we could make them live. Turns out we probably won't do anything and be masochistic fish killers. Mind you - we found these fish at midnight on our deck encased in a tall large clear tube about 5 inches in width. This large tube was a giant light that shot up spinning bubbles from the bottom. So basically we had a really awesome light with a lot of dizzy smoothie drunk fish.

What kind of fish you ask? Feeder Guppies. And this is what we learned:

"The males are absolutely horrible fish. They will chase around the females 24 hours a day. They will move from female to female and chase them around. The females will swim around in circles trying to get rid of the males. Fancy guppies do not do this as much as feeder guppies. The male feeder guppies are absolutely obsessed with the female guppies. They will even stress them out until they become weak and die from an illness. The males are also very fast and they will steal all the food as well."

The response of an unnamed roommate: "Why am I not suprised?"
I believe at that point we all said, amen.

To all of you good intentioned men, who only mean well, I'm sorry that all the cruel unthoughtful boys have cast such a horrible light on your gender. We do realize there ARE men out there who are NOT feeder guppies.

Embracing the Inner Disney Princess

For my birthday a few weeks ago, I was given not one, but two cards with Disney princesses on them. Both of them played music. I am a 20-something-year-old gal, mind you. Granted, one was picked out by my four-year-old niece who is obsessed with all things Disney princesses, but the other was from my 100% Italian, 5’1, 87-yr.-old Nana. Of course, it was carnation-pink with Cinderella in her blue ball gown flanked on either side by a flippered Ariel and graceful Sleeping Beauty donning a golden crown and off-the-shoulder, pink dress. “For the Birthday Princess” it read in white lettering across the top, my name written in pen below with an arrow swooping down and pointing to Cinderella’s clavicle. Sure, I’ll settle for Cinderella. Ariel was whiny and spoiled, Sleeping Beauty was dim-witted and naive, and let’s face it, unconscious for a good portion of the movie. Cinderella put up with a lot of crap! She’s by far the most realistic. She was down-to-earth, content and humble despite her circumstances and she didn’t throw pity-parties about how her prince hadn’t come yet, nor did she think said prince would solve all her problems. It’s not that she didn’t wish things were different. She was optimistic, but also realistic.

I’ve often wondered what the draw is to these princesses as they often only reinforce unrealistic expectations about beauty, love, marriage, and so many other things. “Every girl can beeee a princess!! Any dream can beeeee!!” the card from my Nana wistfully sang. I guess I must be an odd duck in the sense that I never went through the typical girly princess phase. Although my room growing up did have matching Pepto Bismol pink curtains and bedspread, and pink was hands-down my favorite color in Kindergarten, not much else materialized in that realm. For the most part, I was never one to host tea parties for my Care Bears, nor did I ever want traditional dolls or long to twirl around in poofy skirts just for fun (the exception being when I would get to wear awesome, poofy skirts for dance costumes or dress up in my sister’s old ballet dresses). As far as Disney movies went, my favorites have always been non-princess movies (Pinocchio and Lady and the Tramp). Go figure. In reflecting upon my childhood, I’ve often wondered if my parents’ divorce when I was five had anything to do with the silencing of my inner Snow White. I mean, five-years-old is prime princess phase time. I’ve always had a great, close relationship with my dad, but sometimes I wonder if something subliminal happened at that point. It doesn’t really make sense for a little girl to dream of a prince on a white horse coming to whisk her away in a pretty dress and make everything better when the reality of marriage not always ending in “happily ever after” is staring at her cold in the face.

On the tangent of princesses, I have often seen this sentiment of girly perfection carried over into expectations of Christian women. Just pick up any book on relationships, understanding women (yes, some people attempt such risky endeavors), or look on the nightstand of most female freshman at Northwestern, and you’ll find plenty of kindling on the matter. Yes, men and women are definitely wired differently which is a gift and something I’m thankful for, but I don’t think we should pigeon-hole ourselves into these neat, little categories of “warrior man” and “princess woman”, and I think God’s a bit more creative than that. I mean, it’s ridiculous to expect every man to love deer hunting, American football and fixing cars, but why is it expected that all little girls are the same? I remember reading Captivating a few years back, and it had a lot of truth in it and a lot that I could relate to. At the same time, I look around me, and so often there’s this unspoken impression that I have to be this 1950’s housewife who wants seven children and does all the “right” Christian, womanly duties to be considered Godly.

Let me just add here that I do acknowledge the generalizations made in such books as Wild at Heart and Captivating. Men, regardless of interests or pastimes, do enjoy a good adventure and pursuit and women do have an inward wiring for romance and being pursued. I’m just saying that how that will be expressed from man-to-man or woman-to-woman will vary.

With that said, I’m not a 21st-century Betty Crocker. I don’t particularly like cooking, nor do I find emotional satiety in baking. I hated sewing class in 8th grade. I wear skirts and dresses only when mandated (weddings and the like) although that is slowly changing. I recently wore a skirt every day for a week, and I’ll admit that I was a little sad when I wore jeans again. I’m definitely not a tomboy, though. I grew up loving My Little Ponies and Rainbow Brite, and I took dance classes (including ballet) for 10 years. I am terrified of creepy-crawly bugs, I own a jewelry box along with soft purple sweaters, and I do enjoy an occasional chick-flick surrounded by my close friends and good chocolate.

So here’s where I wonder (rhetorically)...Do I have to fit some unattainable, cookie-cutter, model of what it means to be a Christian woman? Am I supposed to embrace this “inner Disney princess” that I’m pretty sure has gone on a 20-year wild goose chase? Do I have to be so sweet 24/7 that I ooze pixie sticks out my pores? Does hospitality have to be my highest score on a spiritual gifts inventory test? Despite the fact that I’m wired pretty strongly as a reflective and reserved introvert, sometimes I ponder if you’ll still consider me lovely and beautiful if I’m witty and sarcastic at times or if you’ll think me unladylike if I jump up and down and yell at the screen like a maniac when the Vikings are on. Will you think I’m a weirdo if I insert random, Russian words into everyday conversation? I say I ask these things rhetorically because I know deep down that it’s ridiculous to think I have to compromise who I am or be someone I’m not to be accepted by others. After all, haven’t we been spoon-fed this stuff from Mr. Rogers since we were pre-schoolers?

In closing, (I know, you’re asking “IS there an end to this post?) I once read a piece of flair on a friend’s Facebook page that said, “All I want is a guy who knows my flaws and struggles that come with loving me and still thinks I’m worth the trouble!” I think a lot of women would agree with this, and I’d expect a lot of guys would say the same in what they’re looking for in a woman. Nobody wants to be put in compartmentalized boxes of expectations but to be accepted for who they are, warts and all. As I’ve heard it said, “What else do we want, each one of us, except to love and be loved?” Whoever you are, future husband, I want you to know that I have more than my fair share of quirks, flaws and struggles. I’m a work in progress, and after living with 31 people over the last seven years, I’m convinced everyone, even those who would love to don a paper mask that they have it all together, have their own issues and emotional baggage to claim. The last thing I want you to feel is that you have to be this unrealistic knight in shining armor on a white horse. Have a goofy sense of humor, embrace your inner Star Trek junkie, have a never-ending quest of finding the perfect Swedish cuisine to be shared by candlelight (as long as it’s not lutefisk). It doesn’t really matter. Let’s just be human and do this crazy thing called “life” together because living like gender textbook robots and greeting card princesses whisks all the fun out of life.

Regarding the Most Pertinent Factor

So there has been quite a bit posted on our little blog site. It all has been witty, fun, and very interesting to read but above all it is important to keep perspective of the most pertinent factor. Thus...


Dear Future Husband,
Please don't show up before you are supposed to. 
    yours,
          Sue