I wrote this a while ago and it's just been sitting here. I figured today it could still be of use to others - hopefully.
This post is going to be a little bit different. After writing and re-writing, I can't think of any other way to say this other than to make it sort of like a short journal entry. Which isn't what I wanted to do, but that's just how it needs to be I guess.
One thing I need to promise myself will always be a deal-breaker: how a guy handles messy and confusing situations. I will quickly lose trust and faith in him if he ducks and runs whenever trouble seems near. If he is too scared to admit an issue and discuss it - or heavens...FIGHT about it - I'm not so sure it will work. That's the real bummer of the problem, we can get along splendidly, you can flirt and compliment me until the sky turns purple, listen to the same music, share commonalities - but if you can't fight with me when the going gets a little tough...it was all for nothing.
I'm learning that someone can be charming, excel in their careers, and speak wonderful things, but if they're not rich in character and integrity...the rest is a just a cheap guise.
GIRLS - This post is mostly for you, but we won’t stop the guys from reading!
Chick flicks get girls all caught up in the idea that love needs to be this perfect moment, complete with fireworks, swelling music and a foot-popping first kiss. We begin to believe that our relationships should live up to every girly movie that we have ever watched.
So, what is it about the chick flick that is so appealing? Ok, I know the answer: romance - to be swept off your feet, to feel special, wanted and undeniably sure that a man loves you. These are all real desires of a woman’s heart, but they have been distorted and tainted by chick flicks!
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a hard-hearted girl who is bitter at the idea of a man sweeping me off my feet. I want to hear that I am loved and appreciated. Those things are important – the emotions, the affirmations, but they are so much more meaningful in a relationship based on real feelings, with someone who loves you for the real you, with full knowledge of your talents, faults and quirks.
The following is a list of unrealistic chick flick musts that have ruined the way we interact with guys:
Meet Cute - The perfectly crafted meeting of two characters. This is not to say that the meeting is always pleasant – it could be an awkward situation, a life-saving moment, a fiery argument or the perfect matchup of wit – but whatever the case may be, the meeting is always entertaining, intriguing and suspenseful.
Real Relationships - It’s because of moments like this that we are constantly on the look out for the guy who has the perfectly charming thing to say, that would save our lives from a rolling dumpster or be able to take on our saucy wit. We often miss out on great friendships with guys or even a potentially great boyfriend because we are looking for a cinematically magical moment. Relax and have fun with new people, try not to put unnecessary pressure on yourself or the people you meet.
The Perfect Character – Chick flicks deal with character extremes, perfectly beautiful, outrageously awful, candidly charming. These fictitiously fabulous characters provide the perfect ground for an entertaining story.
Real Character - We need to remember not to compare ourselves, or the guys in our lives to these characters, we cannot live up the image of a perfect woman who has a team of make-up artists and he cannot live up to the guy who gets 12 chances to say the line that someone else thoughtfully wrote out. We can seek to have truly admirable character, to have the attributes that are desirable in a Godly woman. To be marked by joy, patience and gentleness.. among the other fruits of the spirit. :)
The Physical Attraction – No matter what chick flick you watch, there is always that heightened awareness of the physical chemistry between two characters. The glance across the room, the touch of their hands, the prolonged embrace or the perfect kiss under the night sky while the rain falls softly.
Perfect Chemistry - Movie makers are quite skilled at convincing us of this chemistry between couples on the big screen, but that doesn’t mean that every touch from every guy in our lives is secret code for “I am madly in love with you”. We need to recognize that physical touch is part of the way we are made as humans.
We need to remember that there is more to affection and relationships than the physical. I am reminded of the song Perfect Chemistry by Nevertheless, that says, "I may not be her perfect chemistry, But, if I can love her like you do, that's all she needs.” How much more thoroughly would we love each other if we could learn to love through the eyes of Christ.
The Big Gesture – At the end of every chick flick there is the big gesture: one of the characters makes a horrible mistake, realizes how wrong they were and comes back, ready to make the big gesture, the grand demonstration of their undying love.
A Lifelong Commitment - I think the idea of a big gesture effects us more when we get into long term relationships, we keep waiting for the great declaration of love, the perfectly formed speech, the amazing eloquent words that melt us to our core. GIRLS: Not every guy is gifted with a team of hollywood writers, we need to understand the fact that guys each have their strengths and weaknesses, and we need to be supportive and love them for who they are.
We should be looking for the guy who is ready to make that long journey with us, understand that anyone, given the right amount of time and perhaps the help from a few friends, could craft the perfect speech that would melt your heart, but not every man is ready to say that he will stand next to you through the hardest moments in your life and the most joyful moments in your life.
The Two-Hour Deadline – No matter what, every chick flick has resolution by the time the credits roll. We sit and watch a couple go from complete strangers to desperately in love in less than 120 minutes!
A God Beyond Timelines - God does not work in two-hour deadlines. He understand better than we ever will where we need to be and when. He places people, circumstances and challenges in our lives exactly as he plans to and that includes our futures, with or without a movie-worthy relationship.
Ultimately, we need to remember that our worth is not based on the approval of another man or having a story that could be told as a movie. These are just a few ways that chick flicks have ruined our brains, but recognizing where we have let these ideas creep into our minds is really important.
Women, hold on the fact that you have an Abba Father who knows the desires of your heart and is seeking that you first have an amazing love story with Him, the God who gave up His life so that you might live together for the rest of eternity, now there is a story of true love.
I can't promise that I will have a full dinner prepared from scratch, ready and piping hot, already laid out on the table when you come home from work every night.
But I will try my darndest to make it as regular of an occurrence as possible.
One of the many times my very good friend was gushing and bragging about her beau to me :) she told me that one of the things she most loves and values about him is that "he defaults to hope." That statement has stuck with me since she said it almost two years ago. The more I've thought about it, the more important it's become to me too.
“Defaulting to hope” doesn’t mean always having an enthusiastic smile plastered on your face, convincing yourself to be cheerful all the time. As I’ve been working it out in myself, I understand it to mean that we will never have full control over our own circumstances, BUT each of us is entirely responsible for our own reactions to everything. Get out from under the assumption that you can hold on to a cranky attitude because of someone who wronged you, or because traffic made you late to work this morning, or because of something that happened deep in your past.
Dear Future Husband, I hope and pray that you are not (and will never become) the kind of man who always finds something to complain about and focuses on the negative, because I really can't handle hearing about it all the time. Now don't get me wrong; Everyone needs an outlet to vent every once in a while, and I very much want to understand your world and the things that are bothering you!! It's just that I don’t want to see you get bent out of shape every time something doesn’t turn out the way you planned. One of my favorite quotes to live by (which I'm not sure anyone but my sister will even recognize!) is this:
"Life is full of plans - about half of them get changed. If you get all bent outta shape every time your plans get changed, you'll spend half your life bent outta shape!"
My dear Future Husband, I would much rather grow old with you knowing that you will be hopeful in all things, still counting your blessings when crummy circumstances happen, and ever looking forward to the good things to come. I want the old man lines in your face to be from laughing and smiling, rather than scowling and pouting :)
This applies to all readers: The true challenge of defaulting to hope is to take stock of what you’ve been given, and run with it. If you are living with childhood scars, then you need to become aware of false assumptions you’ve been living under, and change your mindset. Make the most of your circumstances. You absolutely must have an awareness of how much you let negative circumstances shape who you are by how you react! If you know Jesus Christ and you know the words of scripture, you know that this life is not going to be easy, but you have a reason to hope for the abounding life he has promised!
I understand it’s a tall order, but I know it exists because I’ve seen it in enough other people. And I’ve got a bit of hope too :)
My most very favorite music artist Sleeping At Last just released a very fitting song this New Year’s Day that I would really like to accompany this post! Here are the lyrics:
January White
So let's press undo; rearrange the old and call it new-
January white
Every calendar is playing the same old trick:
A year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit
But we'll never really mind
Cause if nothing else, we're given a little time to change the game
A chance to redefine everything we are
In our January white
This year is a sealed envelope; a culmination of hopes
The lottery result that we've been crossing our fingers for
We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue
Or we could pack our bags and change the entire view
To January white
If nothing else we're given a little time
To change the heart in which we change our minds
Our hourglasses turn
This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope, we brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
We could trust that when there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
In spite of history,
Hope is January white.
This year, we're starting over again
Letter openers in hand, a chance to take a chance.
I swear, I understand that the past will be the past,
And nothing changes that,
But the future is brighter than any flashback
...But I’m not done yet!!
While we are still talking about hope, my church just did a message on Christmas Eve titled “HOPE: A Weary World Rejoices.”
I’m telling you, if you are a human being, you gotta hear this message.
Very simple, honest teaching, with some touching and humorous anecdotes. I hope you can enjoy and get out of it at least as much as I did!
Future Husbands out there, there's a fantastically inspiring story in there that I think you will find very encouraging - go check it out!
This is one of my favorite songs from the movie Mulan and I think a lot of times our views of marriage are a lot like the soldiers in this video, we focus a lot on the characteristics we are looking for in a person, their looks, their personality and the hope that we will be amazing in their eyes, but I think there is a line in this song that goes overlooked, not necessarily in the movie, but in life: What do we want? A girl worth fighting for.
Over the past few years, my views of marriage have morphed quite significantly. If you would have asked me as a sophomore in high school you would have gotten answers straight from the mouth of an antsy teenager, influenced by her boy-crazy peers and who got her "best" dating advice from the chick flicks that she saw in the theaters on the weekends, self-conscious and unaware, anxious for any boy to tell her that she was worthwhile.
If you were to ask me now, you would hear the words of someone who has actually been in a few relationships, someone who is learning self-worth outside of the view of others and more specifically, guys. Today, you would hear the words of someone who has been able to travel, go to college, work in the "real world" and witness relationships of ALL kinds. But, you would also hear the words of someone who has had to experience the sting of broken relationships, divorce and live the pain that sinful desires can bring.
I guess that is the sad reality of growing up, facing the truth about sinful nature. When my parents first separated 2.5 years ago, I could not possibly understand what God's plan was, but over the last six months or so, I have been able to step back and see that God is at work in ways that He could never have been within my parents marriage.
The separation of my parents caused me to question everything I knew about marriage and it happened at a really ironic time in my life, the summer that I was shooting wedding photography almost every weekend, surrounded by couples in the very early stages of their lifelong journey together, couples who couldn't contain the joy of being together. My mind struggled with this dichotomy, why is that we start out so happy, so in love and end up living life from day to day, fighting with each other, arguing about everything, breaking apart lives and families?
Recently it dawned on me, we need someone who is willing to fight, but not in the way that you would think.
So, what do we want? A girl worth fighting for!
The thing we miss is that we are not going to agree on everything in life, but we need to come to a place in our relationship where we are fighting with each other. We need to fight. Fight to spend time together, fight to spend time with your kids, fight to solve misunderstandings, fight to keep the love alive.
Why do we think that this will come easily, that we can just coast along in our marriages, in our relationships and that peace and joy will just fall into our laps? We forget that marriage, that making a relationship last for the long term takes hard work. We need to learn that marriage is a fight, it is a battle every single day a war against Satan who realizes that our marriages can be a great defense, someone who knows us, fights for us, prays for us, encourages and uplifts us, challenges us to be better, to be more.
What a great picture of marriage that is, a couple on the front lines of battle, watching each other backs, picking each other up when the other is down, leaving no one behind, what if we could embrace that picture, what if we could approach marriage that way? How would our generation change the statistics on marriage?
First and above all, do not lose your fervor for the Lord. Nothing else will be good enough, will be as excellent, or as beautiful if you neglect the worth and glory of our Lord and Savior. It takes constant prayer and the laying down of our selfishness, and it is the greatest and most important thing we can do with our lives. Do not lose your childlike love, awe, and wonder for our great Father. He has told each leaf what color and shade is should be and He alone can change them. His glory is unmeasurable.
Secondly, do not lose your fervor for loving your spouse. We all put so much worry and effort into dating / finding a boyfriend or girlfriend / impressing each other / dreaming of the future / being broken hearted when it doesn't work out the way we planned. For all that effort and worry, how many marriages do we see now that still reflect that same fervor and admiration? Marriage shouldn't be the last step in a relationship, it should be permission to finally love and cherish the one you love as much as you possibly can. Of course I realize that it won't always be easy and maybe not even something you want to do everyday. There is freedom in marriage to not have boundaries to be guarded in your love and the need to be careful to not give too much of yourself too quickly as in dating. I fear I've seen the opposite as I've observed the realm of dating. We give so much of ourselves while dating or in a serious relationship with someone. It almost seems like it's our pitiful way of getting relational insurance. If I give this much, there's no way that he/she can leave me. Then once we get married, it's on with the chains and the horrible single days are over jokes. That is not the way it should be! Your married so that you can finally love unconditionally and fully with no limitations! Husbands love as Christ loved the church (He gave EVERYTHING for the church), and wives love as you submit to your husband as to the Lord with respect for him. (Ephesians 5. *please have a correct and biblical, loving understanding of submitting).
Date each other after your married. Surprise each other. Flirt with your spouse. and not anyone else!
Mr. until we are old and gray with bad knees and adding glucose to our water, flirt with me and do not lose your fervor and admiration for me. I hope that we fall more in love with each other everyday, even on the off days.
In order to avoid waking up in the early stages of hypothermia this morning, I put a little space heater in my room last night. Mornings are especially hard for me anyway, but downright near impossible to function when I'm cold. Brittany woke up to see me sitting literally two feet in front of the little space heater, which I had set to blast me with 80 degree air. She just looked at me and said, "Really, Marlys? Really??"
Yes. Really. :(
If you know me at all by now, future husband, you must know that I am perpetually colder than everyone else around me, and I LIVE for the days when the temperature is 80 degrees or more - which, in Minnesota, is about two, maybe three months out of the year. The rest of the year is pretty depressing for me.
I adore summer, and all things tropical. I love beaches, palm trees, big exotic flowers, tropical fruit, and basking in the sun when it's hot enough to make my skin tingle. I love being able to run outside in shorts and a t-shirt without getting goosebumps and shivering. Being outside is like being in a relaxing sauna, or an ongoing hug that warms me to the core! Few things frustrate me more than coming in from a gorgeous hot day and stepping into a frigidly over-air-conditioned building. I would rather stay outside and sweat. Long, hot days are very fulfilling to my soul, followed by balmy nights sitting around a bonfire, roasting marshmallows and gazing up at a sky full of stars.
Summer has just passed, and cooler temperatures have set in now. I love many things associated with fall: the beauty of the colorful leaves, raking, hot apple cider, pumpkin pie, Thanksgiving... but I can't shake the fact that fall is one big DUN-DUN-DUN for me.
Fall taunts me, saying, "Heh heh heh, Marlys, you think it's cold NOW?? Just you wait! Pretty soon my friend Winter will be here, and he will make you bundle up in even more constricting layers of clothing just to survive, but no matter how many layers you stack on, your tiny body will never produce enough heat to trap under said layers! Even indoors, because no one will want to turn up the heat a few more notches for you to thaw out a little! Mwahahaha! Every muscle of yours will be tense for months on end, which you might temporarily fix with a back rub, but as soon as you step outside again it will all have been in vain! And not only that, but your boogers will freeze too!!"
And yet... I can't bring myself to consider moving away. At least not yet, and definitely not on my own. I don't know how I've made it through the winters every year here. But I love the area. It's always been my home. And I consider my wonderful friendships/community/church/job/house/et cetera, all worth the frozen boogers.
All this is to say, dear future husband, that location and climate will probably have to be a pretty major discussion topic. I don't mean that to sound scary, because as you can see, I could be persuaded either way. Just wanted to make you aware of the issue.
...And to let you know that if we decide to settle in Minnesota (or, heaven forbid, anywhere else that's cold), that you can expect I will be relying on you a lot to help keep me warm. ;-)
Just doing life with you, the mundane day-to-day, and still finding a way to laugh about it
Getting rooted in a solid church with you
Always knowing who my date will be for events
Not feeling awkward talking about the future, because I won't have to guess whether or not you want me to be in it with you
Not having to be my own breadwinner/handyman/bug-exterminator. I will GLADLY hand those responsibilities over to you!! :D
Traveling with you, taking tons of photos, eating lots of food, meeting lots of people, forbearing lots of travel mishaps, and coming home with gazillions of stories
Making a home with you, making it a unique, fun and relaxing place to be, and inviting our friends over all the time
Raising ridiculous hoodlum children with you, and teaching them to love the Lord and love others
Dancing in the kitchen. This is a must.
Swooning as you play guitar and/or sing (please tell me you can do at least one of these things! I don't care if you're fantastic at it or not!)
Going through crazy life experiences with you that will make for very good stories that we'll be telling people for the rest of our lives
Rolling my eyes when you intentionally (OR unintentionally) act ridiculous... but failing miserably at holding back my huge grin that shows I secretly LOVE those moments!
