I wrote this a while ago and it's just been sitting here. I figured today it could still be of use to others - hopefully.
This post is going to be a little bit different. After writing and re-writing, I can't think of any other way to say this other than to make it sort of like a short journal entry. Which isn't what I wanted to do, but that's just how it needs to be I guess.
One thing I need to promise myself will always be a deal-breaker: how a guy handles messy and confusing situations. I will quickly lose trust and faith in him if he ducks and runs whenever trouble seems near. If he is too scared to admit an issue and discuss it - or heavens...FIGHT about it - I'm not so sure it will work. That's the real bummer of the problem, we can get along splendidly, you can flirt and compliment me until the sky turns purple, listen to the same music, share commonalities - but if you can't fight with me when the going gets a little tough...it was all for nothing.
I'm learning that someone can be charming, excel in their careers, and speak wonderful things, but if they're not rich in character and integrity...the rest is a just a cheap guise.
One of the many times my very good friend was gushing and bragging about her beau to me :) she told me that one of the things she most loves and values about him is that "he defaults to hope." That statement has stuck with me since she said it almost two years ago. The more I've thought about it, the more important it's become to me too.
“Defaulting to hope” doesn’t mean always having an enthusiastic smile plastered on your face, convincing yourself to be cheerful all the time. As I’ve been working it out in myself, I understand it to mean that we will never have full control over our own circumstances, BUT each of us is entirely responsible for our own reactions to everything. Get out from under the assumption that you can hold on to a cranky attitude because of someone who wronged you, or because traffic made you late to work this morning, or because of something that happened deep in your past.
Dear Future Husband, I hope and pray that you are not (and will never become) the kind of man who always finds something to complain about and focuses on the negative, because I really can't handle hearing about it all the time. Now don't get me wrong; Everyone needs an outlet to vent every once in a while, and I very much want to understand your world and the things that are bothering you!! It's just that I don’t want to see you get bent out of shape every time something doesn’t turn out the way you planned. One of my favorite quotes to live by (which I'm not sure anyone but my sister will even recognize!) is this:
"Life is full of plans - about half of them get changed. If you get all bent outta shape every time your plans get changed, you'll spend half your life bent outta shape!"
My dear Future Husband, I would much rather grow old with you knowing that you will be hopeful in all things, still counting your blessings when crummy circumstances happen, and ever looking forward to the good things to come. I want the old man lines in your face to be from laughing and smiling, rather than scowling and pouting :)
This applies to all readers: The true challenge of defaulting to hope is to take stock of what you’ve been given, and run with it. If you are living with childhood scars, then you need to become aware of false assumptions you’ve been living under, and change your mindset. Make the most of your circumstances. You absolutely must have an awareness of how much you let negative circumstances shape who you are by how you react! If you know Jesus Christ and you know the words of scripture, you know that this life is not going to be easy, but you have a reason to hope for the abounding life he has promised!
I understand it’s a tall order, but I know it exists because I’ve seen it in enough other people. And I’ve got a bit of hope too :)
My most very favorite music artist Sleeping At Last just released a very fitting song this New Year’s Day that I would really like to accompany this post! Here are the lyrics:
January White
So let's press undo; rearrange the old and call it new-
January white
Every calendar is playing the same old trick:
A year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit
But we'll never really mind
Cause if nothing else, we're given a little time to change the game
A chance to redefine everything we are
In our January white
This year is a sealed envelope; a culmination of hopes
The lottery result that we've been crossing our fingers for
We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue
Or we could pack our bags and change the entire view
To January white
If nothing else we're given a little time
To change the heart in which we change our minds
Our hourglasses turn
This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope, we brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.
Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
We could trust that when there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
In spite of history,
Hope is January white.
This year, we're starting over again
Letter openers in hand, a chance to take a chance.
I swear, I understand that the past will be the past,
And nothing changes that,
But the future is brighter than any flashback
...But I’m not done yet!!
While we are still talking about hope, my church just did a message on Christmas Eve titled “HOPE: A Weary World Rejoices.”
I’m telling you, if you are a human being, you gotta hear this message.
Very simple, honest teaching, with some touching and humorous anecdotes. I hope you can enjoy and get out of it at least as much as I did!
Future Husbands out there, there's a fantastically inspiring story in there that I think you will find very encouraging - go check it out!
In order to avoid waking up in the early stages of hypothermia this morning, I put a little space heater in my room last night. Mornings are especially hard for me anyway, but downright near impossible to function when I'm cold. Brittany woke up to see me sitting literally two feet in front of the little space heater, which I had set to blast me with 80 degree air. She just looked at me and said, "Really, Marlys? Really??"
Yes. Really. :(
If you know me at all by now, future husband, you must know that I am perpetually colder than everyone else around me, and I LIVE for the days when the temperature is 80 degrees or more - which, in Minnesota, is about two, maybe three months out of the year. The rest of the year is pretty depressing for me.
I adore summer, and all things tropical. I love beaches, palm trees, big exotic flowers, tropical fruit, and basking in the sun when it's hot enough to make my skin tingle. I love being able to run outside in shorts and a t-shirt without getting goosebumps and shivering. Being outside is like being in a relaxing sauna, or an ongoing hug that warms me to the core! Few things frustrate me more than coming in from a gorgeous hot day and stepping into a frigidly over-air-conditioned building. I would rather stay outside and sweat. Long, hot days are very fulfilling to my soul, followed by balmy nights sitting around a bonfire, roasting marshmallows and gazing up at a sky full of stars.
Summer has just passed, and cooler temperatures have set in now. I love many things associated with fall: the beauty of the colorful leaves, raking, hot apple cider, pumpkin pie, Thanksgiving... but I can't shake the fact that fall is one big DUN-DUN-DUN for me.
Fall taunts me, saying, "Heh heh heh, Marlys, you think it's cold NOW?? Just you wait! Pretty soon my friend Winter will be here, and he will make you bundle up in even more constricting layers of clothing just to survive, but no matter how many layers you stack on, your tiny body will never produce enough heat to trap under said layers! Even indoors, because no one will want to turn up the heat a few more notches for you to thaw out a little! Mwahahaha! Every muscle of yours will be tense for months on end, which you might temporarily fix with a back rub, but as soon as you step outside again it will all have been in vain! And not only that, but your boogers will freeze too!!"
And yet... I can't bring myself to consider moving away. At least not yet, and definitely not on my own. I don't know how I've made it through the winters every year here. But I love the area. It's always been my home. And I consider my wonderful friendships/community/church/job/house/et cetera, all worth the frozen boogers.
All this is to say, dear future husband, that location and climate will probably have to be a pretty major discussion topic. I don't mean that to sound scary, because as you can see, I could be persuaded either way. Just wanted to make you aware of the issue.
...And to let you know that if we decide to settle in Minnesota (or, heaven forbid, anywhere else that's cold), that you can expect I will be relying on you a lot to help keep me warm. ;-)
1. Figure out what you're deciding between. Take inventory of your options.
2. Pray about it. Be genuine here. It's all well and good to say "Your will be done, Lord," but don't just leave it at that. There should be some conversation too. Vent to your Father. Tell him everything running through your mind, and talk about what you're hung up on. He knows your thoughts, but he wants to hear you say them. ...This trait of God he also instilled in women ;-)
3. Seek wise counsel. Talk to some folks you really trust with outside perspectives. Talk to men who have been married for a long time. Then re-evaluate your options.
4. Consider your gut feeling. It's usually right. Could be the prompting of the Holy Spirit! Repeat Step #2 to make sure...!
5. Make the best choice based on the information you have. Put it into action!
...We find it very attractive when you confidently make a decision and do something about it :)
I'm sorry to break the news to you but the middle names of our children (Lord willing) have already been decided. I hope that's not too much of a problem.
Now, just to clarify, I haven't actually picked out the names, but I can tell you one thing about them, they will be Japanese.
Depending on how well you know me by the time you read this, you know that my middle name is Miyo, short for Miyoko, meaning beautiful era, and I am the third-generation of children with Japanese middle names.
So, I hope it's not too big of a deal that I went ahead and made that decision without you.
Looking forward to making many decisions with you,
Your Future Wife
