Near Future Husbands

It's amazing what can happen in a year and a half, since we started this blog.

What started out as a half-serious joke has become a great source of discussion and encouragement!

Dear Future Husbands,

Through this blog we've come to really examine our ideas about our relationships with you: assumptions we've made that we've learned to let go of, and character qualities we've learned are essential.

Future Husbands, we love you, and we're looking forward to spending the rest of our days with you!

On behalf of Brittany, Lindsay, and Marlys:

Thanks for the bling :)

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

It’s easy on a blog like this to fall into a pattern of putting the burden on men, and pointing out negative things that we think need to be changed. With this post, I’d like to go the completely opposite direction, and hopefully encourage some guys out there by pointing out the things we really appreciate about them!

So without further adieu, here are some things we’ve noticed in our own real-life interactions with some of you guys we actually know that have helped us form some very high opinions of you!

• Holding doors - chivalry is not dead!
• Moving heavy stuff for us
• Assembling large items
• Hanging things on walls
• Repairing things in our house
• Fixing car problems
• Averting your eyes during certain scenes in movies (yeah, we notice. And we’re super impressed when we see it. See my expanded thoughts on this here.)
• Offering your sweatshirt/jacket when it's cold - we know it’s huge and we look ridiculous, but it makes us feel cared for!
• Building bonfires (I sure don't know how!)
• Offering to pray for everyone before a meal - we reeeeally like seeing this!
• Cleaning up after meals we’ve cooked! - thankyouthankyouthankyou!
• Listening to what we have to say, asking questions and being truly interested in the answer
• Complimenting us when you think we look nice - we remember, and we’re more likely to do it again! (Lindsay wrote a whole post on why this is important!)
• Including us when you get a group of friends together to do something fun or just chill
• Sticking to your own values to determine how you act, how you respond to difficult situations, what you do or do not let yourself be exposed to - When we’ve learned over time where you stand and what your boundaries are, we know we can trust you and feel and safe around you, knowing you're not going to try anything sketchy!
• Looking out for us when walking around downtown
• Escorting us to our cars when we've parked far away
• Dropping us off at the door before parking when it's cold outside - and when it's time to go home, insisting that we wait inside while you pull the car around - WOW!!!
• Dressing up nice for formal events - y’all look so sharp!
• Recalling details of things we’ve talked about, details about our likes and dislikes, remembering what our favorite things are, and things that make each of us unique
• Hugs. They make us feel small and cute!
• Dancing with us! Yay!!
• Doing/saying goofy things just to make us laugh!

GUYS: If you see yourself in some of these things - THANK YOU for being wonderful! We really appreciate knowing you and having you as friends!

Why don't we vocalise these appreciations all the time? Because it's hard! Lame excuse, I know. But I think it goes both ways, eh? ;)

GIRLS: Let's keep it going! What else do you see and appreciate about your guy friends that we can add to the list??

The Ice Queen Phenomenon

Here’s another long post from me! Guess I have a lot to say about this. I thought of making it a two-parter, but why make you wait for the conclusion?? I trust you can make it through just fine. Here we go...

So, I recently have been following a heated comment thread here.
Check it out if you like, but here my summary: the men say they are reluctant to approach women because they have concluded that all women are either "Ice Queens," or "harpies circling Mr. Unattainable"?!

I would like to address the Ice Queen phenomenon, as I understand it.
My definition of an Ice Queen is a woman who gives the impression of being unfriendly and unreceptive to a man approaching her.

Here are my credentials: I've totally been guilty of being the Ice Queen myself, especially in my younger years. I've never been afraid of stubbornly deflecting anyone I felt uneasy about. Then again, at that time I was painfully shy and unhealthily afraid of pretty much everyone. *sigh*

It wasn't that I disliked people. Rather, I lived under the belief that everyone automatically disliked me, for some reason I was blind to. You could easily say I had an inferiority complex. I really wanted to be friends with people, but my biggest fear was of being an annoyance to anyone, so I tried to stay out of everyone's way, would never voice an opposing opinion, and kept from doing anything that might draw attention. My "reasoning" was that people who actually wanted to be friends would naturally make the first move to get to know me. (Although if anyone ever actually did, I was usually suspicious of their motives until I knew enough about them to trust them! Brilliant, right?)

So thus, I had a very difficult time making friends, and was never taught how to act around boys or how to attract any positive attention. Or any attention at all.

Girls, if you’re thinking "that's totally me right now!" ...know that it will do a VERY good job of keeping you out of trouble with boys. ...Aaannnnd that's about all it's good for. It does not help you become a well-adjusted human being, or help you form deep, meaningful friendships, or do well in job interviews, et cetera. It's hard to get out of, but with a lot of willpower, time, practice, surrounding yourself with good people and learning to experience true freedom in Christ, you don't have to be trapped in your head like that anymore. You have to really want to change. But it’s possible. (Exhibit A, right here! Let’s talk!)

I don't share these things about myself to ask for sympathy (empathy? pity?) but to hopefully put words to what others are experiencing and therefore expose to the light what happens in the darkness of many minds. And for this post, to shed some light on the Ice Queen phenomenon, because I've been there, and I know I am still very capable of it.

I understand there are many other different ways the Ice Queen can manifest herself. But I think most men have a poor understanding of what this woman is actually thinking.

Guys, the Ice Queen phenomenon is a self-defense tactic. Assuming the woman in question is single, here are some common situations. We either:

• A) rightfully think you’re a creeper, or see something glaringly obvious that is sending up red flags, so we intentionally keep our distance. This category generally is reserved for those of you who proudly identify yourselves as “playas,” or otherwise lead a lifestyle that is contrary to our morals and values. Or that could land you in prison. ...Or, we...
• B) wrongfully think you're a creeper - at which point (after re-evaluating how you come across to others) you may have to get creative to prove us wrong, because we love a good legitimate pursuit!! ...or...
• C) You're likely a fantastic guy deep down but we can't see it because something in your behavior is awkward, annoying, pushy, unhygienic, or comes across in some other unpleasant manner that is standing in the way, and we can't bring ourselves to speak so bluntly to you... so we resort to avoidance. If you're getting this vibe a lot, you miiiiight want to ask some wise person (of the same gender) to be painfully honest to help you figure out what you need to fix. If you can identify yourself as this type of guy, please learn some social skills. I don’t say that to be mean - I say it as someone who's been there, to challenge you to observe how other people interact and compare it to your own interactions, read up on personality types, take psychology or communication classes, and/or read helpful articles online such as this: (Don't Be That Guy), along with all the others on this fantastic website called the Art of Manliness! ...oooorrrr...
• D) we're having a bad day. Now here is a challenging opportunity for you! Most of us women love venting, although we probably need to be convinced that you care enough to listen, and that you aren’t guy “A” or “C” in this list. If you approach carefully, and can exercise the art of drawing us out without pushing for more than we feel comfortable sharing, this can result in a win-win situation! ...OR...
• E) we're actually very interested, but don't want to appear too "forward" (perish the thought he might think I’m interested even though I am! *gasp*) so we err on the side of acting cold... ugh... (guess who's been guilty of that?) (yeah that'd be me.) ...or...
• F) we're just clueless, and we're so used to being on the defensive that we just default to unwittingly acting icy around all men. We honestly think our behavior is normal and expected of us. We're sorry!! ...OOOORRRRR...
• G) it really might be you making things up in your perception of a woman’s behavior. Perhaps you are just clueless yourself. She’s probably agonizing herself right now, wondering why you won’t ask her out, despite her trying to coyly get your attention for months!

So, looking at this bulleted list mathematically, if you think you're facing an Ice Queen, you still have a 78.6% chance in your favor (I counted point C as half) that she might warm up a little to you if you approach carefully and don't get scared away. How's that for scientific reasoning?!

Okay, okay, so these aren't the only reasons a woman would act cold toward a man. Everyone has their own things in life they need to take into account. I just wanted to make known some possible reasons for girls acting icy around guys, and to encourage you guys to not let yourselves be dismissed so quickly by such a woman! :)

Disclaimer - The key is to be observant of the subtle signals she is sending. I recommend you stick around long enough to ask a few questions, bring up a subject of interest you might have in common, get a few sentences out of her. She might just be shy, and would really like you to pry a little bit. In which case, by all means stay and keep talking, and ask questions to draw her out! But if she still seems like she’s trying to end the conversation after everything you say, politely make a clean break, and leave her alone. This could be a sign that you might be “Guy C” from the list above (especially if you observe you seem to be the only guy getting the ice, and she is not acting cold at all toward other guys). Or it could be that she just has issues. Or maybe she is already taken and doesn’t want people to see her without her significant other, talking to someone as devastatingly handsome as you.

And now for an inspirational quote from everyone’s favorite relationship advisor, Hitch! (Full of sweeping generalizations, but still makes some excellent points!):

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, ‘I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" ... It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. ... Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Good Home Cookin'

Dear Future Husband,

I can't promise that I will have a full dinner prepared from scratch, ready and piping hot, already laid out on the table when you come home from work every night.

But I will try my darndest to make it as regular of an occurrence as possible.

Women's Worst Fear Revealed...

I think this is probably THE biggest unnecessarily kept secret about women.

Are you ready, men?

Here it is:



Women's worst fear is of BEING ABANDONED.

Every bump in the road, every disagreement, every miscommunication, we worry you might love us a little less, or we wonder if we’ve done something to make you think about leaving.

I'm always going to worry that something I inadvertently pull one day is going to scare you away. I really, REALLY need to know that you are not going anywhere.

Men, if you are spending lots of time alone to process something, or if you seem unresponsive to us one day, we are automatically going to think "Oh CRAP, I did something to make him not want to be around me. I screwed up. I need to fix this. Why won't he talk to me? What did I do wrong?" Honestly, this will be on the absolute forefront of our minds, above work, above other friends and family, above whatever we're trying to accomplish at any given moment, until you convince us that the relationship is not in jeopardy.

When women sense that their man has been acting distant, we start craving affirmation. And ironically, it will naturally out in the form of sarcasm, or acting equally distant toward said man. Why? I think it's because we want him to NOTICE the rift, and to DO something about it. It's a sad phenomenon, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on in most women's subconsciousness.

The other extreme of women might start acting clingy instead. Which probably makes you men want to spend even more time alone. :-/

So, men: Probably the best thing you can do, when you need to go off to spend a lot of time alone, is say these magic words... repeat after me:
"Darling, there are some things I need to process alone for a while before I can talk about them, ***but I want you to know that we are totally okay, and I love you. You don't need to question that at all.***"

Seriously. These words will take a LOAD of stress off our minds, and we will once again be able to sleep at night! AND we'll have a MUCH easier time giving you the space you need! :D It's a win-win!!

Even if the problem is directly related to the relationship, as long as we hear something along the lines of: "I can't stand talking right now and I need to go demolish something!! I'm upset with you but I still love you. I'll be back later when I can talk more calmly!" ...it will be a HUGE relief.

Then once the problem is dealt with, come back and pursue us again.
We LOVE it, and we will never get tired of it! :)

Dear Future Husband,

You will be speaking one of my love languages if you make a point to come see whatever productions I've been designing - to spare me the nagging feeling that what I do is pointless. I have probably poured weeks or months of my life into making it look/work right. It would mean so much to me to know that you genuinely take an interest in that part of my life!

I look forward to seeing you in the audience, and running up behind you to tackle you in a death-grip hug after the show. (Or vice-versa - you can do the tackling if you find me first.)

Love you!
Marlys

Defaulting to Hope

One of the many times my very good friend was gushing and bragging about her beau to me :) she told me that one of the things she most loves and values about him is that "he defaults to hope." That statement has stuck with me since she said it almost two years ago. The more I've thought about it, the more important it's become to me too.

“Defaulting to hope” doesn’t mean always having an enthusiastic smile plastered on your face, convincing yourself to be cheerful all the time. As I’ve been working it out in myself, I understand it to mean that we will never have full control over our own circumstances, BUT each of us is entirely responsible for our own reactions to everything. Get out from under the assumption that you can hold on to a cranky attitude because of someone who wronged you, or because traffic made you late to work this morning, or because of something that happened deep in your past.

Dear Future Husband, I hope and pray that you are not (and will never become) the kind of man who always finds something to complain about and focuses on the negative, because I really can't handle hearing about it all the time. Now don't get me wrong; Everyone needs an outlet to vent every once in a while, and I very much want to understand your world and the things that are bothering you!! It's just that I don’t want to see you get bent out of shape every time something doesn’t turn out the way you planned. One of my favorite quotes to live by (which I'm not sure anyone but my sister will even recognize!) is this:

"Life is full of plans - about half of them get changed. If you get all bent outta shape every time your plans get changed, you'll spend half your life bent outta shape!"

My dear Future Husband, I would much rather grow old with you knowing that you will be hopeful in all things, still counting your blessings when crummy circumstances happen, and ever looking forward to the good things to come. I want the old man lines in your face to be from laughing and smiling, rather than scowling and pouting :)

This applies to all readers: The true challenge of defaulting to hope is to take stock of what you’ve been given, and run with it. If you are living with childhood scars, then you need to become aware of false assumptions you’ve been living under, and change your mindset. Make the most of your circumstances. You absolutely must have an awareness of how much you let negative circumstances shape who you are by how you react! If you know Jesus Christ and you know the words of scripture, you know that this life is not going to be easy, but you have a reason to hope for the abounding life he has promised!

I understand it’s a tall order, but I know it exists because I’ve seen it in enough other people. And I’ve got a bit of hope too :)

My most very favorite music artist Sleeping At Last just released a very fitting song this New Year’s Day that I would really like to accompany this post! Here are the lyrics:

January White
So let's press undo; rearrange the old and call it new-
January white

Every calendar is playing the same old trick:
A year will disappear, replaced with counterfeit
But we'll never really mind

Cause if nothing else, we're given a little time to change the game
A chance to redefine everything we are
In our January white

This year is a sealed envelope; a culmination of hopes
The lottery result that we've been crossing our fingers for

We could paint our walls a lighter shade of blue
Or we could pack our bags and change the entire view
To January white

If nothing else we're given a little time
To change the heart in which we change our minds
Our hourglasses turn

This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope, we brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback.

Well, we could let our guards down a little easier this time,
We could trust that when there's joy, there's nothing dark behind.
In spite of history,
Hope is January white.

This year, we're starting over again
Letter openers in hand, a chance to take a chance.
I swear, I understand that the past will be the past,
And nothing changes that,
But the future is brighter than any flashback

...But I’m not done yet!!

While we are still talking about hope, my church just did a message on Christmas Eve titled “HOPE: A Weary World Rejoices.”

I’m telling you, if you are a human being, you gotta hear this message.

Very simple, honest teaching, with some touching and humorous anecdotes. I hope you can enjoy and get out of it at least as much as I did!

Future Husbands out there, there's a fantastically inspiring story in there that I think you will find very encouraging - go check it out!

Click here to watch "HOPE: A Weary World Rejoices."
(Please don’t skip over the music to get to the message part - I especially want you to see the opening song at the beginning, and the song at 18:30!)

Wise Thoughts From Kids

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents!"
-Eric, 6

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
-Kally, 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."
-Carolyn, 8

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
-Bert, 5

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
-Lottie, 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."
-Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, 9

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan!"
-Kirsten, 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
-Anita, 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, 7

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS
BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
-Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
-Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
-Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
-John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
-Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
-Anita C., age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
-Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
-Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
-Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
-Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark."
-Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
-Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
-John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."
-Jill, age 6

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
-Floyd, age 9

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
-Dave, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
-Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO
HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"Sensitivity don't hurt."
-Robbie, age 8

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
-Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
-Del, age 6

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there."
-Manuel, age 8

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
-Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
-Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING
DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
-Bobby, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
-Bart, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
-Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
-Sandra, age 7

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire."
-Christine, age 9

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
-Arnold, age 10

"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
-Larry, age 8

"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
-Eddie, age 6

"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
-Bob, age 9

"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
-Will, age 7

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
-Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
-Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
-Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
-Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
-Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
-Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich."
-Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it."
-Tammy, age 10

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
-Roger, age 6

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
-Dick, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
-Erin, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
-Dave, age 8

What to do with "singles events"?!

Hello readers,

I've recently been working on a guest post for a coworker, which she featured today on her blog. Every week she posts something on the topic of marriage for "Wedded Wednesday," and she asked me to write for it from a single person's perspective. So here it is, for the DFH readers to enjoy as well!




Several months ago, I brought about 30 of my young adult friends - a mixed crowd of guys and girls who all happen to be single - to a Feed My Starving Children event at my church. I purposely did not tell them that the volunteer slot I signed us up for was the designated “singles night.”

(Side note: It's funny to think that some of the same people are reading this now, ha... I'm only partially sorry! But you really helped make a great illustration for this blog post!)

Everyone was excited to be there together, to scoop rice and pack boxes. We entered the room and donned our hairnets. The speaker got up to the platform and said, “Welcome to Singles Night at Feed My Starving Children!” Immediately I had all eyes on me, and I heard several whispers of disbelief at my treachery - “You brought us to a SINGLES NIGHT?!”

Yep, that went just about as expected.

I can’t say I’m speaking for all my friends, but let me share with you my own thoughts:
By showing up to anything called a “singles event,” I feel super self-conscious that I am presenting myself as “on the market, desperate to get off, so that’s why I’m here, and so are you. Take me!” The label “singles event” alone screams “meat market of desperation.” At a "singles event," I am going to be hyper aware of anyone of the opposite sex who approaches me, and likewise I have the fear that any guy I strike up a conversation with is going to think I’m only approaching him because I have a particular attraction to him. Even if it’s true that I do, I don’t want to scare him off by being too forward... but if I don’t have a particular attraction to him, I don’t want to give the impression that I do! I just can’t beat the awkwardness! So I don't bother going.

Not to mention, I have an irrational but common fear that most of the people that show up to these things are smooth-talking smarmy creepers.

As much as we all want to find the right person to spend our lives with, people in my age bracket really abhor the forced interaction of "Let's put all the singles together in one room and let them loose on each other!" Rather, we are really longing for authentic community with our peers. The post-college stage of life can be rather isolated and depressing. We need a network of friends who enjoy being together and will help each other out, whether single or married. We all have things to learn from each others' experiences.

My group of friends I mentioned earlier is a rarity, in that we make a point to all meet together at least once a week and make a meal, hang out, play games, jam on our instruments, and just enjoy each others’ company. And at the heart of it all, we love the Lord. He has blessed us by bringing us into this community that others our age are so desperately needing. Anyone new to the group is instantly hooked. Many have said it’s one of the few things that keeps them sane week-to-week. Hearing such comments is both flattering and alarming. Why does my house seem to be the only place where this kind of community is happening on a regular basis?

I'd say my friends and I are all pretty well-adjusted young folk. We are intelligent, creative, active individuals with a widespread array of interests and fields of expertise. In fact, this probably describes many of the other 46% of all young adults (age 25-34) across the nation who have never been married. For the first time in recorded history, the number of never-married singles in this age bracket now exceeds the number of our peers who are married, according to US Census reports that were released about a month ago. Yet, according to numerous surveys, most of these single young adults still want to get married.

So why are we all still single? Why is this a nation-wide phenomenon? And what does that have to do with the church?

There are many contributing factors to the shrinking marriage statistics - a lot of which occur in the home and in the media - but for the sake of everyone's attention span, I will just be focusing on folks in the church here.

Throughout history, the church has played an active role in helping young men and women find their way to the altar. It was essentially a given that most people should get married, and folks in the church took it upon themselves (more or less) to make sure everyone got matched up correctly. From what I gather though, it seems that a lot of people took this to extreme measures, becoming way too nosey, gossipy, and controlling, and there has since been a huge societal backlash.

Now I fear the pendulum has swung too far the opposite way - the church community as a whole has become far too passive in the lives of young single adults. The message drilled into us, from pulpits as well as parishioners, boils down to this: “Keep waiting. Now keep waiting some more. Look how many marriages are failing; don’t marry the wrong person and become one of them. So you'd better wait even longer. Ignore your body telling you that you were biologically ready a decade ago. Don’t trust any of your feelings. Think rationally about everything, and analyze the life out of your relationships. When the magical time comes, which may well be when your hormones are dead, God will plop the right person in front of you and you won't be able to avoid marrying them, so you’d better not do anything to interfere with that process.” I exaggerate, of course. But only a little.

It’s no wonder so many people are scared to enter a relationship though. We've heard enough horror stories of marriages turning sour. Way too many have experienced it vicariously through family members. Folks, this is incredibly discouraging. What we really need to hear are the success stories! We can know in our minds that God created marriage to be a beautiful model of His love that we can tangibly experience on earth, but many of us have hardly ever seen it in action.

To the common church folk:
If you are reading this and you have been married at least a few years, and especially if you have gotten through some tough things with your spouse, I HIGHLY encourage you to invest in the lives of some single people. If you have something good to say about your marriage, we desperately need to hear it. Also, you have been through enough to see things about us that we are blind to. We need you to be our role models, mentors, coaches and networkers.

To church leaders everywhere:
Evaluate how you are presenting your views on marriage to your congregation. How much value are you giving it? Do you often talk about what marriage can be like at its best? What are you offering to the single people who come to your church? (...Or don’t they come to your church?) I encourage you to find creative ways to get all the young single people in your congregation plugged into mentorships, to break the generational silence and get some good dialogue flowing.

As far as what to do in lieu of "singles events":
I'd really like to see more churches holding regular events for ALL young adults to come together and regularly engage in community-building environments. We don't require a whole lot of structure outside of free food and some music - we just need to be around each other, without the segregation of marrieds and singles. The single people will figure out who’s taken and who’s available on their own. And our married friends can be great natural community-builders, bringing each of their friends together and introducing everyone to each other.

...with the added bonus of them acting as buffers against the creepers who escaped all the awkward singles events going on down the road.

Priorities that will prevent problems

Continuing Lindsay's train of thought, here's an excerpt of an article I just saw:

"In his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Dr. Willard Harley says that the marriages most susceptible to infidelity are those where one or both spouses fail to meet their partners' primary needs. For wives, those needs are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial commitment and family commitment. Husbands' primary needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration."

Read the rest of this article...

Friend Zone Myths Debunked!

Fellas, I don't know how the dreaded friend zone became such a huge concern, but for the most part, it hardly even exists.

There are a few guys who may catch our eyes right away, but they're not the ones we go home and think about, and ask our friends for advice about.

On the contrary, it's the men we've known for a while - long enough to know at least a fair amount about their character - that become long-term crushes. These are the men we trust to not take advantage of us, and who we want to protect us from those that would.

People change and grow over time, and so do their priorities and desired qualities in a mate. Guys, please don’t discount a girl you like because you think she deposited you in the “friend zone” long ago. Even if she has, if you feel strongly enough about her, you can probably persuade her to rethink how she feels about you with a bit of creative wooing.
Be encouraged - On the off-chance you unwillingly find yourself in the friend zone, know that it doesn’t have to be a permanent residence!

Disclaimer to guys: A girl may have legitimate reasons for keeping you in the friend zone, such as issues of maturity, or differing core beliefs.
On that note, a message to the ladies: Aside from those kind of non-negotiables, likewise, don’t discount a man just because you’re not initially attracted to him.

That is all.

The 70's Are Over!

A few hours ago, some of us Andalasians were talking about how we enjoy being sappy and sentimental... but we've been very conflicted throughout our lives about letting that show. And I have the sneaking suspicion that it's not limited to the ladies in this house. I think a lot of women are feeling the same way. We figured it has something to with wanting to appear capable - Proving that our heads aren't always in the clouds, or that our thoughts aren't easily swayed by fleeting emotions. Because that would make us less credible.

We've been raised to believe that we can do anything the boys can do. We hear that we need to get higher degrees, and succeed in competitive careers! Join the army! Become President of the United States! Toughen yourself up, and take it like a man! While you're at it, wear the pants in your relationship, IF you're weak enough to need a man! Heaven forbid you "waste your life" keeping a home, supporting a husband, and raising children!

Darn feminist movement. The 70's are over, people!

Sorry. Tangent.

So basically, culture has been telling us all our lives that we need to shut down the emotional side of our brains in order to be more rational, reasonable, intellectual, and capable, and therefore more competitive and successful. Because it is what we women "must do" these days. It's expected of us.

I've spent most of my life doing a frighteningly good job of internalizing everything I felt. Only in the past several months (my roommates have testified to this) have I really been coming to grips with the idea that trying to hide my emotional side is pretty silly. I don't have to suppress it in order to be an intelligent being. I don't have to be any less "capable" in order to acknowledge my emotions. God gave them to me - they are valuable, and I should embrace them. God himself is an emotional being. Just look - He weeps and rejoices all over the Bible! And He is Love! He cares for the littlest sparrow - you can't even imagine how much more He cares for you, a being made in His image!

And He gave women such an extreme capacity for emotion that was created to complement men! It really is a shame we're compelled to stifle it. Let's stop trying to, shall we, ladies? I can say from experience that life is so much more fulfilling when you take time to fully experience and appreciate the beauty in life. Doing so will not make you any less capable. You don't have to prove anything. :)




On that note, future husband of mine somewhere out there, let it be known that I won't fight you for the sake of proving my capability in most cases... EXCEPT when it comes to hooking up the DVD player to the tv and speakers. I take great joy in connecting audio/visual equipment, and I can do it just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch! he he he...





"If you live wide-eyed in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. Keep your eyes open, your lamp burning, so you don't get musty and murky. Keep your life as well-lighted as your best-lighted room."
- from Luke chapter 11

Climate Control

Dear Future Husband,

In order to avoid waking up in the early stages of hypothermia this morning, I put a little space heater in my room last night. Mornings are especially hard for me anyway, but downright near impossible to function when I'm cold. Brittany woke up to see me sitting literally two feet in front of the little space heater, which I had set to blast me with 80 degree air. She just looked at me and said, "Really, Marlys? Really??"

Yes. Really. :(

If you know me at all by now, future husband, you must know that I am perpetually colder than everyone else around me, and I LIVE for the days when the temperature is 80 degrees or more - which, in Minnesota, is about two, maybe three months out of the year. The rest of the year is pretty depressing for me.

I adore summer, and all things tropical. I love beaches, palm trees, big exotic flowers, tropical fruit, and basking in the sun when it's hot enough to make my skin tingle. I love being able to run outside in shorts and a t-shirt without getting goosebumps and shivering. Being outside is like being in a relaxing sauna, or an ongoing hug that warms me to the core! Few things frustrate me more than coming in from a gorgeous hot day and stepping into a frigidly over-air-conditioned building. I would rather stay outside and sweat. Long, hot days are very fulfilling to my soul, followed by balmy nights sitting around a bonfire, roasting marshmallows and gazing up at a sky full of stars.

Summer has just passed, and cooler temperatures have set in now. I love many things associated with fall: the beauty of the colorful leaves, raking, hot apple cider, pumpkin pie, Thanksgiving... but I can't shake the fact that fall is one big DUN-DUN-DUN for me.

Fall taunts me, saying, "Heh heh heh, Marlys, you think it's cold NOW?? Just you wait! Pretty soon my friend Winter will be here, and he will make you bundle up in even more constricting layers of clothing just to survive, but no matter how many layers you stack on, your tiny body will never produce enough heat to trap under said layers! Even indoors, because no one will want to turn up the heat a few more notches for you to thaw out a little! Mwahahaha! Every muscle of yours will be tense for months on end, which you might temporarily fix with a back rub, but as soon as you step outside again it will all have been in vain! And not only that, but your boogers will freeze too!!"

And yet... I can't bring myself to consider moving away. At least not yet, and definitely not on my own. I don't know how I've made it through the winters every year here. But I love the area. It's always been my home. And I consider my wonderful friendships/community/church/job/house/et cetera, all worth the frozen boogers.

All this is to say, dear future husband, that location and climate will probably have to be a pretty major discussion topic. I don't mean that to sound scary, because as you can see, I could be persuaded either way. Just wanted to make you aware of the issue.

...And to let you know that if we decide to settle in Minnesota (or, heaven forbid, anywhere else that's cold), that you can expect I will be relying on you a lot to help keep me warm. ;-)

Love,
Marlys

The view from a few years from now...

A sweet post from a friend of mine!

http://vosberg.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-will-follow-suit.html

Why We Started "Dear Future Husbands"

First of all, we are not out to bash men in any way. We really appreciate how God made men! :)
Rather, we wanted to bridge a communication gap between the sexes.

It is an outlet for us, as single young women, to tell you men what we wish you knew, minus the awkwardness of saying it to you individually in person.

And for you, future husbands everywhere, it's a candid glimpse of the inner thoughts of some real women. A lot of things we write about have been published before - it's not necessarily earth-shattering information. But hopefully it means more coming from us, rather than from a book or an article making broad generalizations. We want this blog to help you understand "what women want," and why. We want you to understand us, really!! Hopefully the things we write about are helping you make sense of the tangled mess of our minds, giving you some good insights, and helping you become a better future husband to whomever you decide to marry.

If someone wants to start a "Dear Future Wives" blog, I would be very interested in reading it! :)

To my Dear Future Husband,

I have been let down a lot.
I'm cautious because I don't want to get my hopes up. Again.
Please, *please*... be persistent with me.
I want to make sure it's really you.

Love,
Marlys

STEPS FOR MAKING A DECISION (particularly in reference to relationships):

1. Figure out what you're deciding between. Take inventory of your options.

2. Pray about it. Be genuine here. It's all well and good to say "Your will be done, Lord," but don't just leave it at that. There should be some conversation too. Vent to your Father. Tell him everything running through your mind, and talk about what you're hung up on. He knows your thoughts, but he wants to hear you say them. ...This trait of God he also instilled in women ;-)

3. Seek wise counsel. Talk to some folks you really trust with outside perspectives. Talk to men who have been married for a long time. Then re-evaluate your options.

4. Consider your gut feeling. It's usually right. Could be the prompting of the Holy Spirit! Repeat Step #2 to make sure...!

5. Make the best choice based on the information you have. Put it into action!



...We find it very attractive when you confidently make a decision and do something about it :)

Things I Am Very Much Looking Forward To

(Volume #1)

• Just doing life with you, the mundane day-to-day, and still finding a way to laugh about it
• Getting rooted in a solid church with you
• Always knowing who my date will be for events
• Not feeling awkward talking about the future, because I won't have to guess whether or not you want me to be in it with you
• Not having to be my own breadwinner/handyman/bug-exterminator. I will GLADLY hand those responsibilities over to you!! :D
• Traveling with you, taking tons of photos, eating lots of food, meeting lots of people, forbearing lots of travel mishaps, and coming home with gazillions of stories
• Making a home with you, making it a unique, fun and relaxing place to be, and inviting our friends over all the time
• Raising ridiculous hoodlum children with you, and teaching them to love the Lord and love others
• Dancing in the kitchen. This is a must.
• Swooning as you play guitar and/or sing (please tell me you can do at least one of these things! I don't care if you're fantastic at it or not!)
• Going through crazy life experiences with you that will make for very good stories that we'll be telling people for the rest of our lives
• Rolling my eyes when you intentionally (OR unintentionally) act ridiculous... but failing miserably at holding back my huge grin that shows I secretly LOVE those moments!

On Kissing...

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
- Albert Einstein

None of this quick peck nonsense. Please don't kiss me unless you mean it.*

And I really, REALLY hope you mean it every morning before you leave for work, every evening when you come home, and every night before drifting off to sleep.

...And any other times you feel like it in between. :)

* For this reason, i will be wary of kissing you until I know for certain you're going to stick around for the long haul -- until we're engaged, at least. Please don't take offense, and please respect me by not pushing the issue - it's for my own emotional health. Besides... we will have all the time in the world to work on that later. ;) And you, my husband, can feel proud and rest easy, knowing that my lips have never touched another man.

Late Bloomer

I've come to the conclusion that the reason God made me painfully shy, dorky, and socially awkward for most of my life was to protect me from boys. It worked!