The Ice Queen Phenomenon

Here’s another long post from me! Guess I have a lot to say about this. I thought of making it a two-parter, but why make you wait for the conclusion?? I trust you can make it through just fine. Here we go...

So, I recently have been following a heated comment thread here.
Check it out if you like, but here my summary: the men say they are reluctant to approach women because they have concluded that all women are either "Ice Queens," or "harpies circling Mr. Unattainable"?!

I would like to address the Ice Queen phenomenon, as I understand it.
My definition of an Ice Queen is a woman who gives the impression of being unfriendly and unreceptive to a man approaching her.

Here are my credentials: I've totally been guilty of being the Ice Queen myself, especially in my younger years. I've never been afraid of stubbornly deflecting anyone I felt uneasy about. Then again, at that time I was painfully shy and unhealthily afraid of pretty much everyone. *sigh*

It wasn't that I disliked people. Rather, I lived under the belief that everyone automatically disliked me, for some reason I was blind to. You could easily say I had an inferiority complex. I really wanted to be friends with people, but my biggest fear was of being an annoyance to anyone, so I tried to stay out of everyone's way, would never voice an opposing opinion, and kept from doing anything that might draw attention. My "reasoning" was that people who actually wanted to be friends would naturally make the first move to get to know me. (Although if anyone ever actually did, I was usually suspicious of their motives until I knew enough about them to trust them! Brilliant, right?)

So thus, I had a very difficult time making friends, and was never taught how to act around boys or how to attract any positive attention. Or any attention at all.

Girls, if you’re thinking "that's totally me right now!" ...know that it will do a VERY good job of keeping you out of trouble with boys. ...Aaannnnd that's about all it's good for. It does not help you become a well-adjusted human being, or help you form deep, meaningful friendships, or do well in job interviews, et cetera. It's hard to get out of, but with a lot of willpower, time, practice, surrounding yourself with good people and learning to experience true freedom in Christ, you don't have to be trapped in your head like that anymore. You have to really want to change. But it’s possible. (Exhibit A, right here! Let’s talk!)

I don't share these things about myself to ask for sympathy (empathy? pity?) but to hopefully put words to what others are experiencing and therefore expose to the light what happens in the darkness of many minds. And for this post, to shed some light on the Ice Queen phenomenon, because I've been there, and I know I am still very capable of it.

I understand there are many other different ways the Ice Queen can manifest herself. But I think most men have a poor understanding of what this woman is actually thinking.

Guys, the Ice Queen phenomenon is a self-defense tactic. Assuming the woman in question is single, here are some common situations. We either:

• A) rightfully think you’re a creeper, or see something glaringly obvious that is sending up red flags, so we intentionally keep our distance. This category generally is reserved for those of you who proudly identify yourselves as “playas,” or otherwise lead a lifestyle that is contrary to our morals and values. Or that could land you in prison. ...Or, we...
• B) wrongfully think you're a creeper - at which point (after re-evaluating how you come across to others) you may have to get creative to prove us wrong, because we love a good legitimate pursuit!! ...or...
• C) You're likely a fantastic guy deep down but we can't see it because something in your behavior is awkward, annoying, pushy, unhygienic, or comes across in some other unpleasant manner that is standing in the way, and we can't bring ourselves to speak so bluntly to you... so we resort to avoidance. If you're getting this vibe a lot, you miiiiight want to ask some wise person (of the same gender) to be painfully honest to help you figure out what you need to fix. If you can identify yourself as this type of guy, please learn some social skills. I don’t say that to be mean - I say it as someone who's been there, to challenge you to observe how other people interact and compare it to your own interactions, read up on personality types, take psychology or communication classes, and/or read helpful articles online such as this: (Don't Be That Guy), along with all the others on this fantastic website called the Art of Manliness! ...oooorrrr...
• D) we're having a bad day. Now here is a challenging opportunity for you! Most of us women love venting, although we probably need to be convinced that you care enough to listen, and that you aren’t guy “A” or “C” in this list. If you approach carefully, and can exercise the art of drawing us out without pushing for more than we feel comfortable sharing, this can result in a win-win situation! ...OR...
• E) we're actually very interested, but don't want to appear too "forward" (perish the thought he might think I’m interested even though I am! *gasp*) so we err on the side of acting cold... ugh... (guess who's been guilty of that?) (yeah that'd be me.) ...or...
• F) we're just clueless, and we're so used to being on the defensive that we just default to unwittingly acting icy around all men. We honestly think our behavior is normal and expected of us. We're sorry!! ...OOOORRRRR...
• G) it really might be you making things up in your perception of a woman’s behavior. Perhaps you are just clueless yourself. She’s probably agonizing herself right now, wondering why you won’t ask her out, despite her trying to coyly get your attention for months!

So, looking at this bulleted list mathematically, if you think you're facing an Ice Queen, you still have a 78.6% chance in your favor (I counted point C as half) that she might warm up a little to you if you approach carefully and don't get scared away. How's that for scientific reasoning?!

Okay, okay, so these aren't the only reasons a woman would act cold toward a man. Everyone has their own things in life they need to take into account. I just wanted to make known some possible reasons for girls acting icy around guys, and to encourage you guys to not let yourselves be dismissed so quickly by such a woman! :)

Disclaimer - The key is to be observant of the subtle signals she is sending. I recommend you stick around long enough to ask a few questions, bring up a subject of interest you might have in common, get a few sentences out of her. She might just be shy, and would really like you to pry a little bit. In which case, by all means stay and keep talking, and ask questions to draw her out! But if she still seems like she’s trying to end the conversation after everything you say, politely make a clean break, and leave her alone. This could be a sign that you might be “Guy C” from the list above (especially if you observe you seem to be the only guy getting the ice, and she is not acting cold at all toward other guys). Or it could be that she just has issues. Or maybe she is already taken and doesn’t want people to see her without her significant other, talking to someone as devastatingly handsome as you.

And now for an inspirational quote from everyone’s favorite relationship advisor, Hitch! (Full of sweeping generalizations, but still makes some excellent points!):

Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, ‘I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" ... It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone. So that means that 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. ... Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.

Women's Worst Fear Revealed...

I think this is probably THE biggest unnecessarily kept secret about women.

Are you ready, men?

Here it is:



Women's worst fear is of BEING ABANDONED.

Every bump in the road, every disagreement, every miscommunication, we worry you might love us a little less, or we wonder if we’ve done something to make you think about leaving.

I'm always going to worry that something I inadvertently pull one day is going to scare you away. I really, REALLY need to know that you are not going anywhere.

Men, if you are spending lots of time alone to process something, or if you seem unresponsive to us one day, we are automatically going to think "Oh CRAP, I did something to make him not want to be around me. I screwed up. I need to fix this. Why won't he talk to me? What did I do wrong?" Honestly, this will be on the absolute forefront of our minds, above work, above other friends and family, above whatever we're trying to accomplish at any given moment, until you convince us that the relationship is not in jeopardy.

When women sense that their man has been acting distant, we start craving affirmation. And ironically, it will naturally out in the form of sarcasm, or acting equally distant toward said man. Why? I think it's because we want him to NOTICE the rift, and to DO something about it. It's a sad phenomenon, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on in most women's subconsciousness.

The other extreme of women might start acting clingy instead. Which probably makes you men want to spend even more time alone. :-/

So, men: Probably the best thing you can do, when you need to go off to spend a lot of time alone, is say these magic words... repeat after me:
"Darling, there are some things I need to process alone for a while before I can talk about them, ***but I want you to know that we are totally okay, and I love you. You don't need to question that at all.***"

Seriously. These words will take a LOAD of stress off our minds, and we will once again be able to sleep at night! AND we'll have a MUCH easier time giving you the space you need! :D It's a win-win!!

Even if the problem is directly related to the relationship, as long as we hear something along the lines of: "I can't stand talking right now and I need to go demolish something!! I'm upset with you but I still love you. I'll be back later when I can talk more calmly!" ...it will be a HUGE relief.

Then once the problem is dealt with, come back and pursue us again.
We LOVE it, and we will never get tired of it! :)

you don't have to try, you don't have to change, baby you stay just the same.

Has anyone ever had something you really wanted to say about a topic, but couldn't figure out how to put words to it? I've had a nagging at me for a long time about something, and up until recently I couldn't ever describe it. Not until I was reading a book the other night with my lovely housemates and BAM. Finally. Someone with a brain and a half said what I had been feeling. So here it is, on the topic of dating.


"...Now, part of the problem is the creepiness of the dating practices in our western culture. Honestly, most dating is only half a step up from used-car salesmanship. Stay with me here. To put it bluntly but accurately, the idea in western culture dating is to sell yourself. The last thing you want is for the other person to really get to know you. Consequently, a man who doesn't like to shop will suddenly be saying things like, "Sure, honey, I would love to go to another twelve stores to look for those special shoes you have in mind." A woman who doesn't appreciate sports will find herself volunteering to watch sports with her date and his buddies for hour upon endless, grueling hour.


Having seen the other only on their best behavior, the man and woman each convince themselves that they have found a nearly perfect person. As they move toward that day when they will actually begin living together in the world's most comprehensive relationship, they do not factor into their expectations the difficulties of life in this broke-house of a world.


...The problem is that the marriage began with unrealistic expectations."


Now...there are probably several posts I could make about those couple paragraphs. So i'll try to make it brief. First off, I don't want you to ever pretend to be someone you're not just to get to me. There is a VAST difference in sharing each others interests and trying new things because the person you are with enjoys them, and pretending to like things you really don't. Do you see what I'm saying? I would like it if you would at least take a listen to my favorite bands and albums. I would like for you to show me that the things I enjoy are important to you by having a conversation with me about them. But do I expect you to like all those bands, albums, art, dorky hobbies and cleaning? Not at all. It's okay if we have different interests. I remember once having a conversation with my boss and I was concerned about a potential relationship. "But Kori, he's a marathon runner. I HATE running. It wouldn't work out right." I distinctly remember feeling like a moron after she pointed out how silly that was. "Lindsay...you know its better if you have different interests because you both bring more to the relationship, right?" The point is, take interest, but don't change who you are to be my twin. That's just creepy and misleading.


The other part that really struck a chord with me was just a word. Expectations. more specifically, unrealistic expectations. I'm not quite sure what I expect, to be honest. Do I think God will just have a perfect-lindsay-would-dig-him-right-away-and-they-instantly-fall-in-love-and-he's-gorgeous-beyond-reason mold in which he would kindly send to my front step via UPS? Of course I wouldn't admit to thinking that, but when I really think about it I probably have acted like that.


The fact of the matter is that it's important to have expectations. As long as they are the right ones, and by right ones I mean Godly, biblical, healthy ones. If I ever expect to get married, and have a happy fulfilling marriage, I had better drop the silly unnecessary expectations of perfection. If I expect a man to call me his beautiful wife every day of our lives, I had better realize he's saying that with the full knowledge of all my faults, flaws, annoyances, and quirks. And I should be so glad to have and love a handsome husband who is less than perfect as well.

The GBS Phenomenon

GBS or Googaly Brain Syndrome is popular among women of all ages, but particularly prevalent in single women. It is the direct result of a variety of situations that are exciting, confusing or out of her control, always in association with an OIM (Obviously Interested Man).


The condition progressively reduces the effectiveness of the subjects ability to think straight. GBS is a pandemic, it has affected thousands of women all over the world.


SYMPTOMS OF GBS:

• The OIM Name Drop - This is an early sign of GBS. The OIM name drop is a sign that the subjects brain has been infiltrated by the OIM. Spotting this early might help in controlling the effects of GBS.
  
• Uncontrollable Smiling & Giggling - In many cases the subject is unable to control their smiling reflexes, any hint of the OIM and the subject will smile without reason for an extended period of time. The subject might also be prone to frequent fits of giggling, this could be sparked by almost anything that reminds them of the OIM.
  
• Communication Attachment - You might find that the subject of GBS is very attached to their cell phone or computer, this is because they are hoping to receive communication from the OIM. A popular display of communication attachment is seen in the Text and Smile - where communication attachment and the uncontrollable smiling are combined together.
  
• The Fetal Position or Buried Head - You might notice that when the subject is confronted on the matter of the OIM, a popular response might be to curl up in a ball or bury their head into something, like a pillow, although this response has little to no effect on the GBS, it does tend to comfort the subject.

CAUSES OF GBS:

• OIM (Obviously Interested Man)- OIM are the primary cause of GBS, the signs of OIM include but are not limited to: Frequent visits, excessively calling, gift giving, copious flattery, offering to drive, offering to cook, going out of his way to see you, volunteering to watch chick flicks, extended eye contact, back rubs, cuddling, hand-holding, and in very rare cases kissing.
  
• AGM (Amy Grant Man)- Called the AGM because like the 1988 Amy Grant Album, they tend to "Lead Me On". AGM are particularly dangerous because they will often exhibit many of the signs shown by OIM without being actually interested in the subject. Problems arise when the subject suffers from GBS while the subject is interacting with the AGM. The results usually end in disappointment, over-analyzation and ultimately broken heart.

KNOWN CURES FOR GBS:

• Teasing - Teasing is best when exhibited from the close friends and family of the subject. Teasing will result in uncontrollable smiling, the fetal position and buried head. Beware of overuse of teasing as it may cause the subject's GBS to become more severe.
  
• DTR (Define the Relationship)- Defining the relationship is best when executed by the OIM. This helps maintain the normal patterns of pursuit. The Define the Relationship talk usually results in the mutual tellings of feelings. This is a cure for GBS because the subject no longer has to live in confusion about the meaning of all the signs of the OIM, but now knows from the source that her suspicions are correct.

SUMMARY:
Not all women suffer from GBS to same severity. Please check with a doctor before using any real medications in association with GBS.


Women suffering from GBS should consult with a trusted friend or confidant who can help verify the existence of a OIM versus an AGM.

To my Dear Future Husband,

I have been let down a lot.
I'm cautious because I don't want to get my hopes up. Again.
Please, *please*... be persistent with me.
I want to make sure it's really you.

Love,
Marlys

A recent midnight encounter.

After my roommates and I found some of these on our deck, we decided to do some research to see how we could make them live. Turns out we probably won't do anything and be masochistic fish killers. Mind you - we found these fish at midnight on our deck encased in a tall large clear tube about 5 inches in width. This large tube was a giant light that shot up spinning bubbles from the bottom. So basically we had a really awesome light with a lot of dizzy smoothie drunk fish.

What kind of fish you ask? Feeder Guppies. And this is what we learned:

"The males are absolutely horrible fish. They will chase around the females 24 hours a day. They will move from female to female and chase them around. The females will swim around in circles trying to get rid of the males. Fancy guppies do not do this as much as feeder guppies. The male feeder guppies are absolutely obsessed with the female guppies. They will even stress them out until they become weak and die from an illness. The males are also very fast and they will steal all the food as well."

The response of an unnamed roommate: "Why am I not suprised?"
I believe at that point we all said, amen.

To all of you good intentioned men, who only mean well, I'm sorry that all the cruel unthoughtful boys have cast such a horrible light on your gender. We do realize there ARE men out there who are NOT feeder guppies.

Regarding Squeaks

Dear Future Husband:

I feel that it is my obligation to warn you of the creature sometimes referred to as “Pip”. As Pip and I are inseparable it is probably best that you know some of her common behaviors and attributes.

Name: Pip

Anatomy: Pip is a very confused creature. While she has only two legs and two arms it is not entirely uncommon for her to behave as though she has four legs or even wings. While pitiable, it is probably best not to discourage these thoughts since dispelling them could only result in further confusion.

Diet and foraging behavior: Pip is a shameless beggar. She has acquired a taste for human food that particularly extends to all sorts of baked goods. Do not be ensnared by her pathetic sounds or otherwise endearing behavior. Pip is a wily and calculated creature. You can be sure that she is aiming to please in order to receive the desired item.

Reproduction: Unknown.

Behavior: in particular…

Vocalization: This is a section that deserves some special attention. Pip is a known mimic, possibly developed as a defense technique. I have included a short list of characteristic squeaks, honks, trills and all other sounds in between. Please keep in mind that this list is not extensive. I am consistently surprised by the range of noises that Pip can produce.

1. Squeaks are probably the most common noise associated with Pip. These can indicate surprise, happiness, sleepiness, and outrage. Use your best judgment to determine what she means and keep in mind that oftentimes she doesn’t need a reason to make a noise.

2. Honks are designed purely for reactionary reasons. If you do not wish to hear her honk, simply ignore her.

3. Trills indicate that Pip is very happy or pleased.

4. Occasionally Pip will make a strange smacking noise when she is being hugged. I’m fairly certain Pip stole the noise from my parent’s old cat who would make the noise when she was trying to work through a hairball. Pip does not get hairballs. She is probably trying to make you believe that she wants to eat you. This is also not true.

5. Kee-ku: This is a specialized sound that Pip makes when she is squishing curly hair. Don’t ask me why.

Finally, whatever you do, do not try to touch her nose. She has learned one English word, a distorted “no” that she will repeat as she backs into a corner. While it is comical to see her go cross-eyed and hear the resultant “bee” when you touch her nose, she may not forgive you for it.

Subspecies: I shudder to imagine any subspecies from Pip. Let us move to the next section and hope they do not exist.

In popular culture: I have taken great pains for Pip not to be exposed too much to the outside world. She is rather manipulative and if she were to appear in popular culture, I am afraid it would simply go to her head. Her motives can be considered questionable at times.

Domestication: Pip would like everyone to believe that she is domesticated. However, I would argue this is only a survival technique. Pip is a very sociable creature and if she can keep a community of people entertained, she will do so to maintain their company. However, she is also a distrustful creature and in large groups of people that she does not know she is likely to become surly and rebellious if asked to perform.

See Also: Moyer family

My sincerest apologies on the length of this post. However, do not hold me responsible if you succumb to Pip’s manipulations because you did not read this. I did try to warn you.