I think this is probably THE biggest unnecessarily kept secret about women.
Are you ready, men?
Here it is:
Women's worst fear is of BEING ABANDONED.
Every bump in the road, every disagreement, every miscommunication, we worry you might love us a little less, or we wonder if we’ve done something to make you think about leaving.
I'm always going to worry that something I inadvertently pull one day is going to scare you away. I really, REALLY need to know that you are not going anywhere.
Men, if you are spending lots of time alone to process something, or if you seem unresponsive to us one day, we are automatically going to think "Oh CRAP, I did something to make him not want to be around me. I screwed up. I need to fix this. Why won't he talk to me? What did I do wrong?" Honestly, this will be on the absolute forefront of our minds, above work, above other friends and family, above whatever we're trying to accomplish at any given moment, until you convince us that the relationship is not in jeopardy.
When women sense that their man has been acting distant, we start craving affirmation. And ironically, it will naturally out in the form of sarcasm, or acting equally distant toward said man. Why? I think it's because we want him to NOTICE the rift, and to DO something about it. It's a sad phenomenon, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on in most women's subconsciousness.
The other extreme of women might start acting clingy instead. Which probably makes you men want to spend even more time alone. :-/
So, men: Probably the best thing you can do, when you need to go off to spend a lot of time alone, is say these magic words... repeat after me:
"Darling, there are some things I need to process alone for a while before I can talk about them, ***but I want you to know that we are totally okay, and I love you. You don't need to question that at all.***"
Seriously. These words will take a LOAD of stress off our minds, and we will once again be able to sleep at night! AND we'll have a MUCH easier time giving you the space you need! :D It's a win-win!!
Even if the problem is directly related to the relationship, as long as we hear something along the lines of: "I can't stand talking right now and I need to go demolish something!! I'm upset with you but I still love you. I'll be back later when I can talk more calmly!" ...it will be a HUGE relief.
Then once the problem is dealt with, come back and pursue us again.
We LOVE it, and we will never get tired of it! :)
i think our biggest fear is a little larger than abandonment.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion the root of it is the fear that we aren't enough.
...pretty enough
...skinny enough
...smart enough
...funny enough
...christian enough
...etc
which has many manifestations, one of which is that fear of abandonment of which you speak.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete***I wrote this comment above, and then reread it and realized parts of it made no sense, so I deleted it and reposted it again. For whatever reason, it still semi-shows up and says "post removed by author". No worries! I didn't write some scathing comment and then have it removed. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, with that said:
I agree with Jenny. There are true and valid things about this post, but I don't think it can be boiled down to into an issue of abandonment (although I'd say that's a big one). I think it's a lot more complex/multifaceted than that, some of which Jenny touched on, and what will cause a woman to feel that fear varies from person to person.
Still, great post with a lot of insight! :-)
What?! Women, complex and multifaceted?! NEVER...
ReplyDeleteOh wait...
I don't know, I think abandonment is the root of all complex female evils.
ReplyDeleteWe fear we may not be enough X, because if we are not enough X, we will be abandoned.
Women=abandonment
men=failure
It is an oversimplification, yes. And yes, I stole it from Wild at Heart and Captivating. But because, as a generalization, women are relational and men are action...al... (seriously what is a good adjective for that? My brain is blank), I think that they are pretty good observations.
I think any problems in communication or frustration between my husband and I come down to me thinking that he is pulling away from me and/or him thinking that I do not believe in his abilities.
Hmm, perhaps instead of abandonment I could have said "being alone."
ReplyDeleteJenny you raise an excellent point, especially pertaining to single women. We are so prone to think "Why am I alone? Other women who aren't alone have [quality x] that I don't have. I must not be [quality x] enough."
So, not being able to attract someone is a huge deal for a woman in the single phase of life.
But I think it could be far more painful to have been in a relationship and then be abandoned. Because, how you *attract* someone can be so superficial. But how you *keep* someone is so much more personal. You've made yourself vulnerable - and to be "not [x] enough" for him at that point would be devastating.
...Make sense?